Chapter 53
Xie Ning had completely lost his sense of time.
A single Ferris wheel ride took half an hour, which meant he had spent half an hour kissing Pei Zhi. At the same time, he had also done things he had never even imagined before.
And this time, Xie Ning sat there stunned for a very, very long time. Like a doll that had lost its soul, he was propped on Pei Zhi’s lap while Pei Zhi alternated between licking his lips, patting his back, and rubbing his palms.
Between soft kisses against his lips, Pei Zhi spoke in a gentle tone, almost like he was soothing a child. “Don’t be scared.”
Xie Ning had no spare attention left to be scared.
All of his focus had been seized by that act, which had gone far too deep.
When Xie Ning got off the Ferris wheel, his whole body was limp. Pei Zhi had to keep a hand at his waist, practically holding him up so he could barely manage to walk.
The sun was fading and the temperature had dropped further, but Xie Ning was still wearing his own coat. He had only added a hat and mask. And because Pei Zhi was much taller and was holding him the whole time, Xie Ning was almost completely hidden behind him.
Despite the cold weather, Pei Zhi was only wearing a simple wool base layer and trousers, with a coat hanging from one arm. He did not look cold in the slightest. On the contrary, he looked refreshed and full of spirit, like he had just been thoroughly fed. A satisfied air hung around his brow, like a wolf that had finally swallowed its prey whole.
The two of them were both striking enough that people naturally glanced their way as they walked. All they saw was the taller young man lowering his head to murmur something to the one beside him.
He looked pitifully pleading, like he was coaxing someone, while the more bundled-up young man clearly did not feel like paying him much attention.
“Wife, talk to me.” Pei Zhi rubbed Xie Ning’s shoulder lightly through the coat. “Why are you ignoring me?”
Xie Ning’s face was burning.
He did not even know why he had agreed to do something so… so absurd with Pei Zhi. Now that his mind was steadily clearing, it all felt increasingly unbelievable, followed by an overwhelming wave of embarrassment.
It was not that Xie Ning considered himself especially conservative, and he did not mind indulging in slightly over-the-line flirtation with Pei Zhi. But this was… too much.
Xie Ning had always believed that everything should be done in moderation, and that one should not chase pleasure too greedily. Before this, he had already struggled repeatedly over his skin hunger. On one hand, he liked being close to Pei Zhi. On the other, he felt it was too indulgent.
Could it be that he had been overcorrecting before, only to swing now to the opposite extreme, subconsciously wanting to let himself go completely?
Xie Ning could not tell. He wanted to forget the absurdity of what had just happened, yet every step he took seemed to activate those strange sensations again, making the memory surge back in vivid detail.
Pei Zhi had been wiping him clean with a tissue while speaking in that terribly serious, almost scholarly tone, as if he was earnestly discussing something important. “What do we do? My clothes are completely soaked. I probably can’t wear them again later. Good thing I used my coat under you, or else when we get off later, people might think someone wet their pants up there.”
Back then, Xie Ning had still been too dazed to think clearly. The moment he heard “wet their pants,” his first instinct had actually been to tilt his face up and explain, “I didn’t wet my pants.”
“Mm, you didn’t.” Pei Zhi had stroked his face and coaxed him. “But even if you had, it wouldn’t matter. Not to mention wetting your pants, even if you wet yourself all over me—”
Xie Ning did not dare let himself continue remembering. His face burned even hotter.
It was really too perverse.
Before, when everything had still only existed in Pei Zhi’s thoughts, Xie Ning could listen to those exaggerated internal remarks without taking them too seriously.
Everyone’s mind was like a drifting cloud. Sometimes even a person could not predict where their own thoughts would drift. A flash of inspiration, a sudden dark impulse—none of that meant the thought reflected what they truly intended to do.
There was a saying: judge actions, not thoughts. Xie Ning had always believed that. So he had never fully treated Pei Zhi’s inner monologue as truth, and usually took it as little more than jokes.
For example, when Pei Zhi had thought about having Xie Ning step on him—did that mean he really wanted it? Not necessarily. Maybe it was just exciting to imagine, but would be too much in reality.
Now it seemed those thoughts were not just idle fantasies.
Not only were his thoughts perverted, Pei Zhi himself was too.
Xie Ning’s mind was still a mess. Although Pei Zhi had cleaned him up, he still felt strangely unsettled. What made him even more uncomfortable was the bright surroundings and the passersby coming and going. Even though he was wrapped up tightly, both he and Pei Zhi knew perfectly well what had happened just now.
He edged a little closer to Pei Zhi, almost unconsciously trying to hide inside the shelter of Pei Zhi’s larger body.
For someone who had done very few bad things in his life, Xie Ning found himself feeling like a guilty criminal.
He wanted to calm down for a while, but the usually cold, quiet Pei Zhi kept murmuring right in his ear, “Wife, wife, baby, treasure, talk to me.”
Under the mask, Xie Ning’s voice came out muffled. “I’m not your wife.”
“Then I’m your wife. Is that okay?” Either way, it was all the same to Pei Zhi. He rubbed Xie Ning’s shoulder and drew him a little closer. “Baby, treasure, don’t be mad.”
“Pei Zhi.” Though the day was cold, Xie Ning felt hot all over. Beneath the mask, his face was already flushed an intense red. In a corner where few people passed, he lifted wet eyes and looked at Pei Zhi very seriously. “You really went too far.”
Pei Zhi watched the dampness at the corner of Xie Ning’s eye. His Adam’s apple bobbed. Bending down, he used a finger to wipe the little drop away, and in a coaxing tone, almost like soothing a child, he asked, “How did I go too far?”
“You…” Xie Ning’s thoughts tangled. “You carry tissues and wet wipes with you all the time. Is it because you plan to do things like this anywhere, anytime?”
“Of course not.” Pei Zhi said. “I bring them because I’m afraid you might need them. This really was an accident. Before we got on the Ferris wheel, I only wanted to kiss you.”
“Who knew that once we got up there, I’d…” He sighed. “My fault. My self-control isn’t good enough.”
He lifted Xie Ning’s hand and kissed it. “Our baby worked so hard.”
Another accident.
And once again, spoken in that maddeningly odd tone.
Every promise Pei Zhi made seemed to end in “accidents.” Xie Ning did not know whether he did it on purpose, but he truly did not understand how Pei Zhi managed it—how he could always make promises with such a serious, reliable face, only to turn into a ravenous wolf and tear into him later. And afterward, once fed and satisfied, Pei Zhi would become a damp, pitiful big dog and plead with him again.
The most ridiculous part was that even after being “tricked” this many times, Xie Ning still kept believing him.
“Go away.” Xie Ning tried to push him off, only to have his hand caught instead. Before Pei Zhi could speak, Xie Ning frowned and said in an exceptionally serious tone, “I don’t want to talk to you.”
It even sounded a little fierce.
Xie Ning had never shown this side of himself before. In public, he always looked aloof and above everything, cool and composed. Pei Zhi had never imagined seeing this version of him—almost like he was pouting in complaint, almost like he was quietly accusing him.
Just like earlier on the Ferris wheel, when Xie Ning had cried and called him a bastard. His voice and body had both trembled, his eyes wet and blurred, looking genuinely pitiable.
“Why are you pouting again?” Pei Zhi tucked Xie Ning’s cool hand against his neck. “Even when you’re angry, you’re still cute.”
Xie Ning was speechless.
First, he was not angry. Second, he was not pouting. Pei Zhi always misunderstood his words and behavior. But whatever. He did not feel like talking anyway.
At that moment, all he wanted was a little rest.
Pei Zhi warmed Xie Ning’s left hand with his body heat, then switched to the right. “Cold? Want to go somewhere indoors, or try another ride?”
His gaze dropped vaguely downward. “You should still be okay to play, right?”
Back then, Pei Zhi had wanted to lift Xie Ning’s coat and actually check how he was, but Xie Ning had refused, clutching the hem with both hands and sitting there flushed and damp-eyed. Pei Zhi could not bring himself to force it.
Now he regretted that. He should have coaxed Xie Ning into lifting the hem himself, instead of missing the chance.
[Originally it was probably pink. Now it should be a really pretty red.]
[Like it ripened.]
[And wife is really so cute… small, and doesn’t eat much. I don’t know how it all fit.]
[If it’s already this much now, won’t it be even harder later? Wife is so thin, and that belly is so flat. It won’t burst, right?]
[Probably not. Even though wife is small, wife can leak a lot.]
[At first I got scared. I thought wife had broken somehow. It was like a fountain, so much I couldn’t even catch it all.]
[But that position was great. I could see wife’s face perfectly. When wife feels good, the eyes narrow just a little, and the little tongue comes out on its own. And because wife gets nervous, it even curls.]
[I like it so much…]
“Pei Zhi.” Xie Ning interrupted him, his voice trembling a little. He turned his head, showing one ear already red. “Let’s go look around. Try a different ride.”
“Something simple.”
If Pei Zhi kept thinking like this, he would probably play out a fully plotted film in his head.
It was one thing for Pei Zhi to think it. The problem was that Xie Ning, as the person involved, had to hear it, and it was unbearably awkward.
Especially the way Pei Zhi described in detail the expressions and reactions he himself had already forgotten… Hearing it like that, the images formed anyway, and the shame nearly crushed him.
In the end, Xie Ning and Pei Zhi went to ride the carousel.
At this time there were not many people around it. Pei Zhi picked a larger double-seat horse. Xie Ning sat in front and Pei Zhi wrapped himself around him from behind, all his movements and expressions perfectly natural.
The occasional glances from nearby people made Xie Ning’s face warm a little. He said softly, “Pei Zhi.”
“Mm.” Pei Zhi thought he must be cold, so he rubbed Xie Ning’s hands and kissed them. “I’ll warm them and then you won’t feel cold.”
“It’s not that. I’m not cold.” Xie Ning was wrapped up tightly enough. His hands were only chilly because they were exposed. “There are a lot of people here…”
He had even noticed that some of them seemed to be taking photos. Only Xie Ning’s face was hidden while Pei Zhi’s was in full view. He was worried someone might post the pictures online or something like that, and that it might cause unnecessary trouble for Pei Zhi later.
Pei Zhi adjusted the mask on Xie Ning’s face. “It’s fine. They can only see me. They can’t see you.”
Xie Ning froze for a second. That wasn’t the point.
He himself was not some big celebrity, and he was not afraid of being looked at. In fact, he did not particularly care what people thought. But at moments like this, was Pei Zhi’s first concern really him again?
Behind him was a broad, warm chest. Held there, his hands covered, Pei Zhi’s shoulders were broad and his hands large. When Pei Zhi held him, it felt as if every part of him could be carefully sheltered and protected.
Over the loudspeakers in the amusement park came a weather announcement:
“Recently, temperatures have been fluctuating. Due to an incoming strong cold front, there may be heavy wind, a drop in temperature, and snowfall today and tomorrow. Visitors, please dress warmly~ Especially children, make sure they’re bundled up properly so they don’t catch cold! If you lose any belongings or a child gets separated, please go to the lost-and-found…”
The hands rubbing his fingers paused. Pei Zhi suddenly looked up. “Snow?”
“Probably.” Xie Ning said. “The cold weather came later this year. Around this time last year, it was snowing every day.”
That was true. In the last two years, the alternating warm and cold fronts had made City A warmer than usual. Last year by the end of November it had already turned brutally cold, but in mid-November this year, there were still occasional warm days.
“This is the first snow of the year.” Pei Zhi suddenly buried his face into Xie Ning’s neck and rubbed gently. “I have to watch it with you.”
Xie Ning tilted his head a little, his hair brushing the side of his face and behind his ear, sending a small shiver through him. “Is there another legend connected to that too?”
“I don’t know. Should I search for one later?” Pei Zhi said. “I never paid attention to these things before.”
It really was strange. In the past, Pei Zhi had never cared about little superstitions or symbols like this, let alone things like astrology. But ever since Xie Ning appeared, he had started paying attention to all kinds of mystical nonsense connected to him—zodiac signs, tarot readings…
Most ridiculous of all, he had even paid someone online to tell him about their compatibility.
That had started because he saw people online recommending some “master,” saying this person’s readings were very accurate, complete with screenshots of chat records. Pei Zhi did not even know what he had been thinking at the time. He actually added the person and transferred money. The moment he hit send, he thought he must really have gone mad.
How could he believe in something like this?
Those chat screenshots were obviously fabricated, like the tricks online sellers had always used.
At first, Pei Zhi had thought he was an idiot. But the reading came back with an extremely good result. He stared at the screen full of phrases like “perfect match,” “heaven-made pair,” and “a long, enduring relationship,” and then changed his mind.
This fortune teller was frighteningly accurate.
He even sent another 888 yuan as a bonus.
While Pei Zhi was searching online, Xie Ning also looked through his phone for a bit. His parents had called him several times, and when he did not pick up, they switched to WeChat.
[Sini: Baby, are you free right now? There’s a notebook your dad and I left in your apartment. If I remember right, it should be in the storage room? We thought we wouldn’t need it anymore, but now we suddenly realized some of the drafts inside are still useful. Can you take a few photos for us? And when you come for Christmas, you can bring it with you then.]
[Sini: Wow! You and your friend went to the amusement park today? I saw the photo Xiao Ran posted. The boy beside you is the friend who answered your phone last time, right? You two look really close. ]
[Sini: Your dad and I have never seen you bring a friend home before. We can’t wait to meet both of you!]
These were from twenty minutes ago.
At that time, Xie Ning had still been on the Ferris wheel, and with Pei Zhi… The memory alone made his face heat up again.
As Xie Ning replied to his mother’s messages, Pei Zhi happened to glance over and saw a few words before he deliberately looked away again.
“You’ve never brought a friend home before?” Pei Zhi asked. “I only saw it by accident.”
“No.”
After thinking about it, Xie Ning added, “I’ve never really had any especially close friends.”
Most people saw him as cold, or felt that he was too distant, too unattainable. Even in middle school and high school, many people had wanted to befriend him, but few had dared to get close.
Later, there were a few bolder ones, but they eventually found his indifference too difficult, and things never grew warm or deep. The relationships just stayed lukewarm.
With most people, Xie Ning’s relationship resembled that of ordinary strangers. Classmates were just classmates. They could discuss homework, help each other occasionally, but they did not enter the category of “friends.” More than intimate companionship, they were more like mutually useful tools.
He did not see anything wrong with that. At the very least, it meant he had never had to suffer through social conflicts, and he had no need to waste time on unnecessary relationships.
Xie Ning liked it this way.
“So I’m the first person to meet your parents?” Pei Zhi lowered his head and said, “Am I really that lucky?”
Xie Ning glanced at him. “You are the first.”
When he was younger, he had almost been able to take one little friend home to meet his family. But because his family moved away in such a rush, he never got the chance to say goodbye properly, let alone invite that boy over or introduce him to his parents.
Satisfaction was practically spilling off Pei Zhi’s face. Helplessly, Xie Ning said, “Don’t overdo it. And don’t bring excessively expensive gifts. My parents won’t like that.”
“Mm, I know.” Pei Zhi said. “But I still need to bring something. It would be rude to meet Uncle and Auntie empty-handed.”
How could Pei Zhi possibly know how much was “not too much”?
If Xie Ning had not brought it up first, he was half afraid Pei Zhi would empty out his bank account buying gifts for them. Even now, he doubted Pei Zhi’s gifts would be anything simple. The thought gave him a headache. If Pei Zhi really showed up with something extravagant, his parents would definitely be shocked.
“I have to go back to the apartment now. My parents need those notebook photos.”
The moment he said it, Pei Zhi hopped down from the carousel and stood beside it, arms spread toward Xie Ning. “Do you want me to help you down?”
Then, “I’ll carry you.”
Actually, Xie Ning wasn’t used to being so openly intimate in public. But looking at Pei Zhi’s serious expression, with those eyes focused only on him, he realized that it did not feel quite as impossible as it once would have.
Turning sideways slightly, Xie Ning let Pei Zhi catch him around the waist. The moment he was lifted, he vaguely heard an excited squeal from nearby people. There was no hostility in it, but the noise made his face warm anyway. He buried his face in Pei Zhi’s neck and slowly wrapped his arms around him.
“I don’t want to move.” Wrapped in Pei Zhi’s arms, Xie Ning felt deeply and almost overwhelmingly comfortable. His whole body had gone soft. Tilting his chin up just a little, he rubbed his cheek along Pei Zhi’s jaw and said quietly, “I don’t want to walk either.”
This version of Xie Ning—showing such rare clinginess, almost as if he was acting spoiled—made his voice and body alike go soft with dependence. It knocked the rhythm of Pei Zhi’s heartbeat off by a beat.
Pei Zhi’s Adam’s apple rolled, and his voice instinctively softened, as though afraid of startling him. “Do you want me to carry you to the car?”
“Mm?” Xie Ning lifted his lashes slowly.
“If you don’t want to walk, I’ll carry you to the car.” Pei Zhi coaxed. “You don’t have to do anything. You can just rest on me and sleep.”
Xie Ning’s brows drew together faintly. A few seconds later, he closed his eyes again and leaned back into Pei Zhi’s neck. “Okay.”
Pei Zhi loved Xie Ning’s dependence on him, and he also loved when Xie Ning left things to him. Even though he knew Xie Ning could do all those things himself, and do them well—things like getting dressed, washing up, eating.
But he wanted this anyway. He wanted Xie Ning to rely on him more. Better yet, to leave everything to him: let him dress Xie Ning, bathe him, feed him… He would take care of every trivial part of Xie Ning’s life. If Xie Ning wanted, he would never have to walk anywhere again. Pei Zhi would carry him everywhere.
Best of all would be if Xie Ning also controlled him a little—checked up on him, made him report where he was, even installed location tracking or monitoring on his phone. He would not mind. He liked the idea of Xie Ning being possessive of him.
Pei Zhi knew that was probably a bit warped. But he liked Xie Ning so much that he had even imagined that if they were twins, then maybe it would be better—that way they would share the same blood and similar faces, and every time they looked in the mirror they would think of each other.
By the time they reached the apartment, the building’s security was strict. Strangers could not enter. Even delivery food and packages could only be left at a designated area, and then the building staff would arrange for them to be sent upstairs.
Xie Ning registered Pei Zhi’s information with security. Pei Zhi’s car and face could now enter the building freely.
He had given Pei Zhi access to his home.
Pei Zhi could vaguely feel a shift in Xie Ning’s attitude. He seemed to have moved a little closer in Xie Ning’s eyes, but no matter how he replayed the day in his mind, he could not pinpoint what exactly he had done to please him.
Was it because Xie Ning had really enjoyed himself on the Ferris wheel?
Did Xie Ning actually like that too?
The moment Xie Ning unlocked the apartment door and was about to turn around, Pei Zhi stepped in and hugged him from the front. The difference in their size made it look almost like a huge dog burying itself in him, rubbing insistently along his neck.
“Baby, can I stay here tonight?” Pei Zhi asked, then immediately added, “I can sleep on the sofa or on the floor.”
Xie Ning did not answer at once. Instead, he looked at his phone, which kept lighting up. It was the dorm group chat. Chen Xi and Gu Nian were frantically summoning Pei Zhi, telling him to hurry and check the group.
“Did your department group send a notice or something?” Xie Ning asked. “Go look first.”
Pei Zhi refused. He hugged Xie Ning tighter and kept nuzzling his neck, his voice low. “Baby, you smell so good.”
Xie Ning had spent the entire day outside. What smell could he possibly have? Even if it was just the scent of shower gel, it should have long since faded. He reached up with long fingers and stroked the back of Pei Zhi’s head gently. “Be good. Check the message first.”
Pei Zhi loosened his hold a little, but his expression turned almost plaintive. His fingers lightly hooked Xie Ning’s as he asked, “If I listen, can I stay here tonight?”
“I promise I won’t do anything. I can sleep on the sofa or on the floor.”
Yet again, a promise.
But Xie Ning knew very well that promises like that were meaningless when it came to two adults in the height of hormonal chaos and unresolved attraction.
Feigning innocence, he asked, “What would you even stay here for?”
“I can make you a late-night snack, and I can wash your clothes.”
“But I don’t want a late-night snack, and my apartment has a washing machine and dryer. I don’t need to wash anything by hand.”
Pei Zhi froze.
He clearly had not expected that answer. After a moment, he put on an expression of serious thought and then pinched Xie Ning’s earlobe. “Then I’ll steal your washing machine tomorrow.”
A faint smile tugged at Xie Ning’s lips. Lifting his lashes, he said, “Pathetic.”
“In front of my wife, who needs dignity?” Pei Zhi said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Xie Ning said, “Check the group first. We can talk about staying over afterward. They look really anxious—maybe they’re afraid you’ll miss some good opportunity.”
Compared to staying over, the group message was the truly important thing. But in Pei Zhi’s mind, staying over at Xie Ning’s place still seemed more urgent.
Around this time of year, many departments would announce exchange programs abroad or seminar opportunities. Xie Ning himself had participated in several last year, and right now he was worried that Pei Zhi might miss one.
Pei Zhi looked at the message, and sure enough, Xie Ning had been right.
It was a professional exchange program in Jingzhou. The event would give participants a chance to interact with many well-known senior figures in the field, and could be very beneficial in the future.
Pei Zhi glanced at the dates.
They overlapped exactly with Christmas.
The coach had tagged him in the group and told him to fill out the form. Pei Zhi frowned. “I’m not going.”
Xie Ning looked at him in surprise. “Why not?”
“I already promised you I’d go abroad with you for Christmas to meet your parents. If I go back on that now, what does that make me?” Pei Zhi said. “I don’t want to break my word to you.”
“But that’s not the same thing.” Xie Ning said. “When does the program end? Even if it overlaps with Christmas itself, you could still come after it’s over. I’ll be at my parents’ place for a week. If you come after you finish, we’d still have three or four days together. They don’t actually conflict.”
Looking at him seriously, he added, “Didn’t your coach say it? This could be really helpful for your future. If you make the right connections or get guidance from the right people…”
Pei Zhi hugged him again.
He slowly leaned his weight against Xie Ning and said softly, “I really don’t care about that.”
“Even if I skip it, it won’t actually change much for me. My record already looks good enough. I don’t need this to add another gold layer. And even if I did want that kind of polish, there would be other ways later. Future opportunities aren’t in short supply. Maybe this exchange would bring me some benefit later on.” Pei Zhi said. “But I don’t want to use something that merely looks beneficial for my future as an excuse to break my promise to you now.”
“You matter more than that.”
In the stillness of the apartment, Xie Ning could hear his own heartbeat gradually growing louder.
Xie Ning had always been mature. Whenever emotion and reason clashed, he had always chosen reason without hesitation. Even if Pei Zhi had actually decided to attend the exchange and not board the plane with him, Xie Ning would not have blamed him.
Life was full of things beyond control.
That included his own life.
And when faced with those things, people always had to let some less important things go.
Xie Ning’s heartbeat suddenly sped up.
In Pei Zhi’s heart, he was the most important thing.
