Chapter 49
After finishing breakfast, Qi Ran also came back from making his call.
“So annoying. They insist I need a parent’s signature if I want to live off campus, but my parents aren’t even in the country, so what exactly am I supposed to get signed…? And my roommates are crazy too. I’m not even staying in the dorm, and they still reported me to the counselor?” Qi Ran repeated, “Seriously, there’s something wrong with them.”
“I’m thinking of just signing it myself.”
Xie Ning gave a quiet “Mm” and was just about to stand when Qi Ran asked, “Are you guys going back to school?”
Xie Ning said, “Aren’t you going back?”
“We’re already out, so let’s go have some fun nearby.” Qi Ran said, “There’s a newly opened amusement park around here. Tons of people are going to check it out, so let’s go play too. Brother, do you remember when we stayed at Uncle and Auntie’s place as kids? A small amusement park opened in the town, and we stood outside staring at it every day.”
Xie Ning corrected him, “You were the one who wanted to go. You dragged me there to stand outside and look.”
“But you definitely wanted to go too,” Qi Ran said. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have stood there looking for so long with me.”
This time, Xie Ning didn’t refute him.
Although his personality had always been quiet, he had still been a child back then, and children were naturally curious about new things. A suddenly opened amusement park in a small town was more than enough to drive all the local kids crazy. Even if they couldn’t go in, they still wanted to crowd around outside and look.
Back then, Xie Ning’s self-control hadn’t yet become what it was now. He had also been one of the many little kids standing outside the amusement park, clinging to the wall and craning his neck to peek in.
Pei Zhi asked, “Do you want to go?”
Xie Ning said, “No need…”
He wasn’t a child anymore.
But Pei Zhi said, “I want to go. Will you come with me?”
Xie Ning and Qi Ran both turned to look at Pei Zhi.
Pei Zhi really didn’t look like someone who would enjoy amusement parks.
Xie Ning asked, “You really want to go?”
“Mm, I do.” Pei Zhi said, “I’ve heard of this one too. They added some new rides, and apparently they’re exciting and fun.”
“Especially the haunted house. I heard it’s really scary.”
Pei Zhi noticed Xie Ning’s expression shift slightly and asked, “Are you afraid of ghosts?”
Xie Ning looked at him helplessly. “I’m not. Did you forget who kept saying they were scared when we watched that ghost movie?”
Before, when they had gone to the viewing room at the hot spring villa to watch a film, Pei Zhi had kept saying he was scared and had burrowed into his arms.
Though… that was probably an act.
More likely, it had just been one of Pei Zhi’s little tricks to increase intimacy.
Xie Ning still wasn’t entirely sure whether Pei Zhi actually was afraid of ghosts or not.
“I am scared,” Pei Zhi said, looking at Xie Ning. “But if you’re there, I won’t be.”
Qi Ran cut in, “Bro, do you always talk this sticky? Why do I feel like you’re saying lines straight out of a romance drama?”
Especially since both of them were good-looking enough to belong at the very top even in the entertainment industry. When they said things this cheesy, it really did feel like a scene out of some idol drama or movie.
Pei Zhi ignored Qi Ran. He just looked at Xie Ning, bent his back slightly, and with a faintly pleading gaze asked, “Let’s go. Okay?”
…
Pei Zhi drove.
The moment Qi Ran saw the Rolls-Royce in front of him, his whole view of Pei Zhi changed.
It wasn’t unusual for parents to get their college kids a car.
But a Rolls-Royce?
Wasn’t that a little outrageous?
Then Qi Ran thought it over again and figured it made sense. His own parents had bought him a sports car too. That was because they felt guilty. During the stretch of childhood when he had most needed company, they had been away making money, so once he grew up, as long as he didn’t gamble, do drugs, or anything criminal, they would basically say yes to anything he asked for.
Qi Ran liked cars. He casually named a few car models to Pei Zhi, and to his surprise, Pei Zhi actually knew a lot about them too. Immediately, his opinion of Xie Ning’s roommate went up.
Before, he had thought the guy looked a little suspicious, but once they found common ground, even the way he looked at him became noticeably friendlier.
Qi Ran was the type who loved making friends. Once he started talking, he couldn’t really stop. “Don’t be fooled by my brother’s cold face. He’s actually super nice. Really, really nice. When we were little and money was tight, he always gave in to me on everything… My brother is the best in the world…”
“Enough,” Xie Ning cut in. “Don’t distract Pei Zhi while he’s driving. Talking while driving can make people lose focus. It’s dangerous.”
Qi Ran immediately shut his mouth.
But Pei Zhi said, “I won’t lose focus. You can keep talking.”
Qi Ran covered his mouth and replied through his fingers, “But I listen to my brother. If my brother says I can’t talk, then I can’t talk to you.”
Pei Zhi said, “Then if you get the chance later, secretly tell me more about what your brother was like as a kid? I want to know too—how he was ‘the best in the world.’”
Xie Ning: “……”
Was it really okay to say this kind of thing right in front of him?
After Pei Zhi parked the car, Qi Ran got out to buy tickets. Online tickets were limited, and he didn’t feel like waiting around refreshing the site, so he figured he’d just buy them in person—or see if there were any scalpers near the entrance.
Once Qi Ran had gone farther away, Pei Zhi took Xie Ning’s hand and asked softly, “You don’t want me to know about your childhood?”
“It’s not that,” Xie Ning said. “It’s just…” He didn’t really know how to explain it. From Qi Ran’s angle, Xie Ning often came off as especially perfect, kind, and yielding. It felt strange to hear himself described that way—it didn’t feel like the real him. “Qi Ran sees me through a very heavy filter. Some things weren’t the way he says. You can listen, but just… take it lightly.”
“For example?”
“For example, he says I was always especially good and never made adults angry. But that’s not really true. I also wanted to do bad things sometimes. I just didn’t always have the chance.”
“Is that so?”
Pei Zhi bent down lower. With their fingers still laced together, he reached out with his free hand and pinched Xie Ning’s cheek lightly, his tone affectionate. “I thought you’d been a good little baby since childhood.”
“So even good little babies want to do bad things sometimes.”
His low voice came out a little rough. He had intentionally bent close and lowered his head, his fingers lightly pinching Xie Ning’s cheek. If anyone saw them, they would definitely think they were flirting.
There weren’t many people in the underground parking area, but Xie Ning still felt a little self-conscious. The roots of his ears were already hot. He shifted his gaze slightly away. “Don’t think too highly of me.”
“To me, you’re perfect,” Pei Zhi said.
“No one is perfect.”
Of course Pei Zhi knew that.
But he still said, “Your imperfections are a kind of perfection to me too.”
Had Xie Ning really reached that sort of place in Pei Zhi’s mind?
The childishness of those words made Xie Ning want to laugh, but at the same time something like sugar-coated current swept through his chest.
No one could dislike hearing nice things.
Once they left the parking area, the light became bright and open. Looking into the distance, Xie Ning saw the amusement park inside, its rides and buildings standing like a castle under the golden sunlight. With its pastel pinks, purples, and blues against the bright sky and clouds, it looked like something out of a fairy tale.
Xie Ning suddenly said, “Actually, I really was curious what the inside of an amusement park looked like when I was little. I wondered if it would be like the storybooks said—whether there would be princes and princesses, and magicians who could use magic.”
Pei Zhi said, “Then today, let’s go inside and see. We’ll make up for what you missed when you were a kid.”
Only then did the reason why Pei Zhi had suddenly proposed the amusement park seem to become clear.
Xie Ning turned to look at him, smiling just a little. “Pei Zhi, did you ask to come here because you thought my childhood had regrets?”
Pei Zhi stubbornly replied, “No. I wanted to come, so I asked you to come with me.”
“I didn’t have regrets, really.” Xie Ning said. “Back then I was interested, yes, but not that much. And besides…”
His voice paused.
What he had meant to say next suddenly vanished completely from his mind.
When he was young, it really was true that he hadn’t gone on the bigger amusement park rides. First, because they were more dangerous and his family wouldn’t have allowed it. Second, because… at the time, his family really had been struggling financially.
Xie Ning and Qi Ran hadn’t always grown up with this kind of money. When they were in elementary school, their parents had been working hard in a big city. Keeping the children with them meant they would have been even more neglected, and their income back then wasn’t enough to hire a nanny, so they could only send them back to stay at their grandparents’ place.
Though it was technically their grandparents’ house, because the grandparents lived together with the uncle and aunt, it was really the uncle and aunt who looked after them most. The uncle and aunt already had a daughter, and Xie Ning was the oldest of the three kids. He was also recognized by everyone as the quietest.
Their family relationships weren’t especially complicated. The siblings and relatives all got along well. Even though life wasn’t easy back then, the uncle and aunt still tried their best to give the kids good things. But after all, Xie Ning and Qi Ran were still staying under someone else’s roof, and that naturally came with a sense of tension and unease. When they first arrived, the two of them had been like abandoned kittens or puppies, not even daring to make noise while eating.
Only after some time passed did things gradually improve, and they slowly begin to settle in.
At one point, a small children’s amusement park opened in the town. It wasn’t big, but to the kids in a small town, it was irresistible. There were simple rides inside—merry-go-rounds, ball pits, things like that. It became heaven for all the children in town.
But the ticket price wasn’t cheap.
Especially because, during that period, Xie Ning’s uncle had just been laid off from the factory, and the family was scraping by. Where was the money supposed to come from to take little kids into an amusement park?
Xie Ning knew the family wasn’t doing well. Every day, Qi Ran and their younger cousin, both much younger than him, would drag him to the amusement park gates to stare at the kids inside laughing and playing. Gradually, he too became infected by that atmosphere, and his curiosity about the world inside grew stronger.
Then later, the amusement park ran a promotion—buy one child’s ticket, get one free. Around that same time, it happened to be Xie Ning’s birthday. His aunt bought him a small four-inch cake, and the younger two children cautiously asked whether they could go to the amusement park.
The aunt and uncle exchanged a glance. They didn’t have much left to live on for the month, and after buying the cake, they had even less.
If they really went, then only two children could go in. But what about the third? They didn’t want to show favoritism. Yet buying one more ticket would make their already difficult situation even harder.
So Xie Ning said, “It’s okay. The younger two can go. I don’t like this kind of thing anyway.”
The younger two were very sensible. They wanted to go badly, but both shook their heads. “It’s brother’s birthday. He should get to go. We’re still little. We’ll have chances later.”
But Xie Ning insisted. “The rides inside have already been used by lots of people. What if some little kid peed on them? I don’t want to play on them.”
He made his disgust clear enough that everyone gradually believed him.
After all, it was his birthday. The point was for him to be happy. So after they blew out the candles and made a wish at home, the aunt took the younger two into the amusement park, while the uncle stayed with Xie Ning in a little pavilion outside and ate cake with him.
Not far away, the merry-go-round was turning, its cheerful children’s music floating through the air. The lights sparkled brilliantly, and the children riding on it looked just like little princes and princesses from a storybook.
In truth, Xie Ning was very curious. He had never gotten this close before. From the pavilion, he could see clearly into the park. But he didn’t dare look for too long, because he was afraid that if he did, his uncle would only feel worse—what kind of adult couldn’t even produce the money for one more child’s ticket when the kids wanted so badly to go to the amusement park?
His uncle was indeed full of guilt. He rubbed Xie Ning’s head and said, “Your uncle already found a new job, and I’ll be starting soon. Once I get paid, I’ll bring you back here, okay? I’ll bring you to try all the tasty things inside too.”
But in fact, his uncle hadn’t found a new job at all.
Still, Xie Ning chose to lie. “Uncle, I really don’t like these things anyway. Playing in places like that means getting dirt all over you.”
“That’s true. Our Baby Ning likes being clean the most.” His uncle said. “Then I’ll work hard and one day have the whole amusement park cleaned top to bottom, and then I’ll rent the place out just for our Baby Ning.”
Cleanliness was a very useful excuse.
A lot of things could be solved by using cleanliness as the reason.
Sometimes they’d pass a street stall selling toys, and if his parents wanted to buy one for him, he’d shake his head and say too many people had already touched them, so he didn’t want them.
Sometimes his parents would bring him to their rented place in the city. It was tiny, with a shared bathroom and terrible living conditions. Their reason for sending him back to his uncle and aunt’s place had been because they wanted him to have a cleaner, larger place to stay. So Xie Ning would say it was fine; he liked the old family house more anyway, because it was bigger and cleaner.
Sometimes Xie Ning himself didn’t even know what he truly liked. He had always been mature for his age, and perhaps because he was born with low material desire, he genuinely found it hard to become interested in most things, and was indifferent to many others.
And perhaps his cleanliness obsession was simply another set of shackles he had placed on himself.
Later, he never did get to go back to the amusement park with his uncle. His parents came to pick him up, because they had won an award with a very high level of recognition, and their lives improved dramatically. The first thing they did was bring Xie Ning back with them.
In his memory, his impression of the amusement park remained both vivid and faint at once. But in all the years since, he had never once thought of going back.
Because he didn’t think there had been any regret there.
Only now, he had forgotten why.
Xie Ning was still lost in thought when Pei Zhi snapped his fingers lightly in front of him.
“What are you thinking about?”
Xie Ning came back to himself and said, “I think I forgot something.”
“Something important?”
“I don’t know.” Xie Ning said. “But… I feel like it shouldn’t have been something I forgot.”
Then he added, “But I was too little then. Little enough that now it’s really hard to remember.”
“If you can’t remember it, then don’t force yourself.” Pei Zhi said. “Maybe it wasn’t important.”
He tightened his fingers around Xie Ning’s hand and kissed the knuckles. “What matters is now, isn’t it?”
That was true.
As they walked forward together, Xie Ning spotted a little boy not far away, probably about to celebrate a birthday. On his head sat a bright birthday crown, glittering under the sunlight.
For a second, the light stabbed at his vision, and then the locked box of memory was pulled open by an invisible hand.
At that moment, Xie Ning remembered why there had been no regret.
Because he had gone in and played there.
On his ninth birthday, Xie Ning hadn’t been able to enter the amusement park. His uncle had still felt deeply guilty, and when he saw someone selling cotton candy by the roadside, he’d decided to buy one for Xie Ning as a tiny form of compensation.
There were too many people around. Xie Ning had tightly clutched his uncle’s hand.
But in just one blink, they were separated by the crowd.
Little Xie Ning stood lost in the middle of strangers, staring at the stream of people moving around him, utterly at a loss. He thought he should stay where he was and wait, but there were too many strange faces, too many tricycles and bicycles passing by, and he was scared.
So he decided to go back to the pavilion and wait for his uncle there.
On the way, he met a little boy.
The boy said, “We know each other. We were in the same summer camp class.”
Xie Ning didn’t really pay attention to classmates, and he didn’t remember who this was. He only thought the boy looked vaguely familiar. And because he had just gotten separated from his uncle and was scared, he didn’t dare talk much to anyone.
The little boy noticed the paper birthday crown on his head and asked, “Is it your birthday today?”
“Yes.”
“But I didn’t prepare a birthday present for you,” the little boy said.
“That’s okay.”
“How could that be okay? Of course it matters. If it’s your birthday, then of course there should be a birthday present…”
Then the boy seemed to think of something. He suddenly grabbed Xie Ning’s hand and pulled him running through the crowd.
Countless unfamiliar faces flew backward in front of Xie Ning’s eyes. He was startled and afraid, but as the amusement park grew closer and the music became louder, a little excitement crept in too.
“Come here.” The boy pushed aside some bushes and crouched down. “Step on me and then climb over. The wall isn’t tall. We can sneak in.”
Xie Ning’s eyes widened. “We’re sneaking in?”
“Yes,” the little boy said. “Quick, or we’ll get caught.”
Xie Ning didn’t want to do something bad, but he also didn’t want to get discovered.
By now, it seemed he had somehow already become the little boy’s accomplice.
But he had never done anything bad before. His lashes fluttered rapidly, and a blush had risen to his pale, refined little face from sheer tension.
When the boy waited too long for him to move, he stood up and simply grabbed Xie Ning into his arms, stepped onto a stone, and used the extra height to swing himself over the wall, then jumped down.
To little Xie Ning, that drop felt terribly high, and he had never done anything so dangerous before. He was so scared that he wrapped his arms around the other boy’s neck and didn’t dare open his eyes until after they landed.
The boy rubbed the back of his head soothingly. “It’s okay. You’re light. I do sports, so don’t worry. Even if I’d fallen, I wouldn’t have let you get hurt.”
“And worst case, I’d have been your cushion.”
The boy somehow knew a secret path inside. Without tickets, they couldn’t ride the merry-go-round or the bigger attractions, so they could only play on simpler things like the slides and swings. But even that was already fresh and thrilling enough for Xie Ning.
Xie Ning sat on the children’s swing, his whole body still very small. His pale hands clutched the ropes tightly. Then he suddenly turned his head and met the eyes of the little boy pushing him from behind.
Xie Ning’s hair flew with the wind. His body rose and fell. The face that had just moments ago been full of caution and fear now glowed red with excitement.
The little boy seemed to freeze. Then his own face turned very red too. Awkwardly, he came over and resumed pushing the swing. “How old are you today?”
“Nine.”
“I’m one year younger than you. Why am I taller?”
Xie Ning got a little angry. He didn’t want to play on the swing anymore. He jumped off, and the birthday crown on his head fell to the ground.
The little boy quickly picked it up. There was a bit of dust on it. When he tried to put it back on, Xie Ning turned his head away in disgust. “No, it’s dirty.”
“How is it dirty?” the boy turned it over and over, muttering, “Such a princess.”
It was clearly very clean.
The little boy took off his jacket and carefully wiped the paper crown, making absolutely sure there wasn’t a bit of dust left on it. But once he’d done that, he suddenly decided not to give it back.
“Wait for me.”
He ran toward a small shop. He wanted to buy Xie Ning a new one.
Things inside the amusement park were expensive, and the boy hadn’t brought much money. He saw a plastic crown he liked—a lot prettier than the paper one. But after asking for the price, he shouted on the spot, “What? Twenty?!”
In those days, twenty yuan wasn’t exactly a trivial amount.
The boy was clearly not poor, but he was still little, and his family wouldn’t have given him much spending money. So he tried to bargain. “Fine, twenty is twenty, but boss, can I put one bottle of milk on credit? I’ll bring the money back later.”
He looked over his shoulder at Xie Ning. “I made him upset. I have to make it up to him.”
The shop owner found the boy amusing. “Sure. Pick any milk you want… Actually, take this one. It’s more nutritious. Kids need it to grow taller.”
After only a short wait, the boy returned loaded up. He solemnly put the new crown on Xie Ning’s head—it was much bigger, prettier, and more expensive than the old one. Clearly pleased with himself, he stuck in a straw and slowly handed the milk to him.
“I don’t want it.”
He couldn’t just take things from other people.
“I’m giving it to you, so you have to take it.” The boy said. “If you won’t, then I’ll just throw it away.”
So Xie Ning had no choice but to take it.
Seeing that he was finally drinking it, the boy looked overjoyed. “Can we go home together after school?”
Xie Ning bit the straw and looked at him with beautiful, damp, suspicious eyes.
The little boy quickly explained, “I just transferred here and don’t have any friends. And I don’t even want to make friends with them anyway. But I like you. I liked you the first time I saw you at summer camp. Your handwriting and drawings were both so pretty… Can we be friends?”
“When school finishes tomorrow, can I wait for you outside your class, and then we can walk home together?”
They played inside the amusement park for a long time, until they were both sweaty all over. Later, when their families found them, everyone was nearly frantic with fear.
The two children were taken back by their respective families. When Xie Ning saw his uncle and aunt’s anxious faces, he froze for a moment and immediately apologized.
They only hugged him and said, “As long as you’re okay.”
Then they asked, “Are you hungry?”
Xie Ning shook his head. As his uncle picked him up and carried him away, he looked back once at the little boy.
In the eyes of his family, Xie Ning had always been the sensible and obedient one. Getting lost like this had truly frightened everyone. He knew what he had done had been wrong. He knew he shouldn’t have run off with that boy.
But… if he had the chance to do it again,
he would probably still choose the same thing.
There had been no regret in Xie Ning’s memory of the amusement park because that regret had already been filled in another way.
“Brother, wait a sec.” Qi Ran said. “The on-site queue is too long. I’m trying to get fast-pass tickets. I found a scalper, but we have to wait a bit…”
“It’s fine.” Xie Ning said. “There’s no rush.”
VIP tickets would let them use the VIP lanes, where there were fewer people and many rides wouldn’t require waiting in line.
Then, beside him, Pei Zhi suddenly said, “If we don’t have tickets, do you think they’d let us in?”
Wasn’t that obvious? Xie Ning said, “Probably not.”
“Want to try?” Pei Zhi asked. “Try what it feels like to do something bad.”
It wasn’t as if they could actually get in without tickets. Trying would be pointless.
Still, Xie Ning said, “Sure.”
Then suddenly, Pei Zhi grabbed Xie Ning’s hand and took off running toward the entrance. Their abrupt movement startled the people nearby, and made Qi Ran farther away look completely baffled.
Xie Ning had originally thought that once they reached the gate, they’d naturally be stopped, since there were ticket scanners and staff standing by. But to his surprise, the lane was open, and the staff didn’t stop them.
They actually ran straight in.
“Pei Zhi, we haven’t bought tickets yet—!”
The wind around them was loud. It blew Xie Ning’s voice and hair both into disarray.
And yet Pei Zhi kept running, dragging him deeper inside.
Without even getting their tickets checked, they had actually entered the amusement park.
Xie Ning’s pupils widened. The feeling of doing something wrong was thrilling. His heart pounded hard, and his hair flew wildly in the wind. Then Pei Zhi glanced back at him, and in that single moment of eye contact, Xie Ning was struck by a strange thought.
At that instant, the frantic beating in his chest felt as though it had been caused by Pei Zhi.
Once they reached a place where there were fewer people, both of them were slightly out of breath.
Pei Zhi still wore the afterglow of excitement on his face, while Xie Ning braced himself against him and tried to catch his breath. Between breaths, he said, “Pei Zhi, no, we still have to go back and pay…”
His conscience absolutely wouldn’t let him get away with sneaking in like that.
“Baby—”
The soft call came from above. Xie Ning raised his head, only to see two tickets held between Pei Zhi’s fingers. Xie Ning froze, and then Pei Zhi added, “I already checked them in online with the staff.”
If not, why would they ever have let us through?
His voice and the light brush of the tickets against the tip of Xie Ning’s nose were both equally gentle. “Silly.”
So Pei Zhi had paid all along.
And then still led him through a grand little adventure of “sneaking in.”
Xie Ning’s heartbeat was still racing. “You…”
Pei Zhi asked, “Didn’t you say you wanted to do something bad? Was that bad enough? Exciting enough?”
“It was very exciting.”
“I was so scared you’d notice. I really can’t lie to you when I’m looking at you.” Pei Zhi said. “Luckily, today, you let me fool you.”
He caught Xie Ning’s hand and tucked it under his coat so his palm could rest directly over Pei Zhi’s chest, separated only by a thin inner layer.
“Feel it,” Pei Zhi said. “My heart’s beating really fast.”
Xie Ning smiled lightly. “Mine is too.”
“Xie Ning, then—”
Pei Zhi only got that far before stopping.
Xie Ning slowly raised his face and met his gaze.
Pei Zhi’s eyes were very dark, and right then, they held only one complete Xie Ning.
Under the golden sunlight, Xie Ning’s face was lit in a soft glow. Pei Zhi’s gaze was clear and steady, fixed straight on him, as though in that moment, nothing else in the world could fit into his eyes except him.
Xie Ning froze again.
A current ran through him without shape or warning. There was no hug, no extra touch beyond this, and yet a wave of fierce satisfaction crashed through him.
His blood rushed to one point. Thud-thud. Thud-thud.
All sound in the world disappeared in an instant, leaving behind only the thunderous pounding of his own heartbeat.
And Pei Zhi’s voice.
Pei Zhi called softly, “Xie Ning.”
“Was there a moment when your heart beat for me?”
