Chapter 36
That small patch of skin-to-skin contact made all the strength leave Xie Ning in an instant.
The body radiating heat, the body so close at hand—both stirred an especially intense craving inside him.
Xie Ning slowly lifted his face. His vision turned blurry and damp. He reached out, trying to gain a little more physical contact, but just as his palm was about to touch Pei Zhi’s cheek, he suddenly came to his senses. The motion that had been meant as a touch turned into a shove to push Pei Zhi away.
But his wrist was caught instead.
His slender wrist bone was easily restrained in that large hand. The moment their skin touched, all the strength drained from Xie Ning again. He could only lean against Pei Zhi’s chest, panting with difficulty.
Afraid that Xie Ning would struggle, Pei Zhi held him tightly in his arms and used his free hand to switch on the light.
The sudden brightness let Pei Zhi see Xie Ning’s expression with startling clarity. Xie Ning, who was usually cool and distant, now had a face flushed all over, his eyes so wet they were almost sensual. He was still letting out soft, breathless gasps, his expression dazed and alluring.
Pei Zhi, who had just been aggressive and almost fierce, immediately lost his composure.
He thought he had hurt Xie Ning and quickly loosened his arms a little, but Xie Ning had no strength at all and could only lean against him. Gritting his teeth, Pei Zhi wrapped his arms around him again and held him tighter.
It was raining outside. Xie Ning’s hair was a little damp, and a layer of droplets clung to the surface of his down jacket. The dorm had already turned on the heat early, and Pei Zhi raised the temperature even more before removing Xie Ning’s down jacket and revealing the black inner layer underneath.
The black fabric made his skin look even paler, and it also made the rosy flush under his skin stand out even more vividly.
Pei Zhi could not even bring himself to say the words of accusation anymore, let alone know where to put his eyes. He was like a foolish boy in adolescence, utterly bewitched by the person he liked, holding his breath as he carefully helped Xie Ning take off his shoes and socks.
The shoes were already soaked through, yet Pei Zhi, who had mild cleanliness issues, did not care at all. Holding Xie Ning by the ankle, he lifted it slightly so that Xie Ning could step onto his expensive trench coat.
Once the shoes and socks were removed, pale feet, pink from the cold, were exposed. Pei Zhi stared for a moment, then forced his gaze away. He wrapped them in the trench coat and tossed it aside as though he were throwing away trash.
After that, he took moisturizing tissues from the drawer and slowly, carefully wiped Xie Ning’s feet, as well as the bits of mud that had accidentally gotten on the hems of his pants.
His movements were gentle and cautious the whole time, his expression focused. He was practically treating Xie Ning like a little ancestor.
Xie Ning had no idea what Pei Zhi was doing. All he knew was that his feet were being cradled in someone’s hands, and once the craving from his skin hunger was finally being satisfied, his expression grew dazed and absent.
It was like bathing in sunlight and being embraced by a warm natural breeze. Every pore on his body loosened and opened, his satisfaction so overwhelming it almost seemed to spill over.
It was almost too much.
Xie Ning’s breathing became even more hurried. He had been suppressing it with great effort for days, yet now he was getting more than enough contact all at once, like someone on a strict diet suddenly being overfed in a single meal.
The little reason he had left made him struggle. He wanted to get down from Pei Zhi’s lap. But Pei Zhi sensed his intention and naturally spread his legs apart, which in turn forced Xie Ning’s legs, which were resting on his thighs, to part as well.
His body lost its balance. Xie Ning’s small frame swayed for a moment, and in the end he could only lean backward, half-falling into Pei Zhi’s arms.
His hair was already messy. That exquisite, beautiful face no longer carried its usual coldness, but instead was full of restrained redness. Rare panic showed in Xie Ning’s brows and eyes. Biting his lip, eyes damp and flushed, he wore an expression of endurance.
There was something pitiful about him, as though he were at another’s mercy.
Pei Zhi had originally come to question Xie Ning. But since Xie Ning was a little wet at the moment, and knowing Xie Ning had cleanliness issues, he had decided to help wipe his feet first.
After finishing that, he had planned to continue questioning him.
But now, looking at Xie Ning’s face—beautiful to the point of excess—Pei Zhi’s brain seemed to have run away from home. He completely forgot what he had wanted to ask, what he had wanted to say. If this went on any longer, he might even forget his own name.
Though he had only just come in from outside, Xie Ning looked as though he was very hot. His lips were slightly parted, warm white breath spilling out through the gap.
A scent lingered around him.
Pei Zhi lowered his head and sniffed lightly. Sure enough—it was fragrant.
The dorm lighting was not especially bright. It had even been teased by many students before for looking like the yellowish lighting in a ghost movie. But now, that warm-toned light fell on Xie Ning and made the skin dampened by a fine layer of sweat seem to shine like a diamond.
Pei Zhi could barely control himself. After repeatedly wiping his hands with disinfectant wipes and wet tissues, he finally reached out and gently touched Xie Ning’s cheek.
He had only meant to touch him once.
But Xie Ning immediately leaned his face into his hand, unconsciously rubbing his cheek against Pei Zhi’s palm. His expression was unfocused, his face blank, as though he were stunned.
And strangely obedient.
“Xie Ning,” Pei Zhi called softly. “Why are you…”
Why are you avoiding me?
In the end, he still did not dare ask it directly. He more or less knew the reason. If Xie Ning would not say it, maybe he wanted to leave a bit of dignity between them.
But Pei Zhi truly could not endure Xie Ning distancing himself. After having once been so close to him, for Xie Ning to suddenly start keeping his distance created too great a gap for him to bear. He could not accept it, but he did not know how to fix it.
Even if Pei Zhi had asked, though, Xie Ning would not have been able to answer.
Xie Ning was sitting on Pei Zhi’s lap, the roots of his thighs pressed against Pei Zhi’s own. It had been a long time since he had been held like this, and he missed it terribly, clung to it terribly. Tilting his head up, he rubbed against Pei Zhi’s neck and cheek, his body slightly crooked, so Pei Zhi held his waist to steady him.
The moment he was sitting firmly again, his body began trembling badly.
Even so, he still kept rubbing his cheek against Pei Zhi’s face over and over.
His soft cheek was rubbed pink. Xie Ning had begun sweating, and the faint fragrance coming from him lured Pei Zhi so strongly that he lost control and turned his head, his straight nose brushing through Xie Ning’s sideburns as he inhaled.
“So fragrant.”
It sounded like a murmured thought spoken to himself.
Pei Zhi only lost himself in it briefly before realizing that something was wrong.
His face turned red at once, because Xie Ning’s hand had suddenly slipped inside his collar.
Xie Ning’s hair was nearly damp, plastered to skin that looked pink beneath its snowy fairness, making him strikingly beautiful. But he kept seeking physical contact, pressing his cheek to Pei Zhi’s face, or slipping his hand into Pei Zhi’s collar and touching him blindly.
Pei Zhi suddenly remembered something he had found earlier online.
Information about skin hunger.
He had read many patients’ descriptions. Some severe sufferers, when symptoms flared up, craved physical contact intensely. If someone happened to satisfy their need for touch at that time, the pleasure they felt could be even greater than climax.
Some descriptions were obviously exaggerated, but they were enough to show just how strong the sense of satisfaction brought by physical contact could be for someone with skin hunger.
And Xie Ning’s current state fit those descriptions very closely.
Even stranger was the look in Xie Ning’s eyes. His brows and gaze carried a look of sated pleasure. His lashes trembled as though he could barely bear it, and there was even a faint trace of clear saliva at the corner of his lips.
Could it really… feel that good?
“Xie Ning.”
Pei Zhi called him again. He saw Xie Ning slowly raise his head a beat later, the glistening at the corner of his lips catching the light in an enticing way.
He knew this was not a good question to ask, but he still hesitated before asking, “…Do you have skin hunger?”
Xie Ning instantly sobered.
His shoulders trembled slightly, and a damp trace rose at the corners of his eyes.
Xie Ning’s secret had finally been discovered.
…
Xie Ning gradually recovered.
His wet down jacket had already been taken off. His soaked shoes and socks had been removed too. The mud stains on his pant legs had been carefully wiped away, leaving his pale feet clean and white.
There was no need to think about whose doing that was.
After a long silence, Xie Ning finally admitted it. “Yes. I do.”
This was the first time Xie Ning had told this secret to anyone other than a doctor.
He gave a brief explanation of his illness and the treatment plan the doctor had suggested. Someone as smart as Pei Zhi could not possibly fail to understand what he meant.
The reason Xie Ning had become friends with Pei Zhi was, most likely, because of this skin hunger.
Back when Xie Ning had first been in the dorm, he had never communicated much with others. Even when he did speak, it was only in very polite, formulaic responses like “hello,” “thank you,” “okay,” or “sorry to trouble you.” To him, school did not require friendship, and roommates were only strangers temporarily living under the same roof. There was no need to form social bonds.
That kind of social interaction, to him, was simply a waste of time.
Once he finished speaking, Xie Ning fell silent again.
He remained in a quiet stillness.
He was still sitting on Pei Zhi’s lap, and Pei Zhi’s large hand was still fastened around his waist, as though to stop him from escaping.
Whenever he mentioned certain parts, the fingers resting on his lower abdomen would unconsciously twitch a little. That slightly ticklish sensation was both satisfying and tormenting.
Confessing something like this while sitting on someone’s lap was not at all a dignified scene. Not to mention that Xie Ning was flushed, his hair damp, looking truly disheveled.
Knowing himself to be in the wrong, and knowing that being approached with such a clear ulterior motive would not make anyone happy, he lowered his lashes a little guiltily.
Even if Pei Zhi cursed him out next, he would not say anything.
Outside, the rain was pouring down. The sound of raindrops battering against the window made the cold feel even more piercing.
Pei Zhi raised an arm. Xie Ning froze for a moment. Thinking Pei Zhi was so angry he might hit him, he instinctively shut his eyes—
Instead, a thick blanket was wrapped around him.
Pei Zhi bundled him up tightly and asked, “Are you cold?”
Xie Ning shook his head. “No.”
Pei Zhi gave a slight nod. Good, as long as he was not cold.
Then he asked, “So… you became friends with me to treat your illness?”
Pei Zhi really was perceptive. He had extracted the key point so quickly.
His gaze was penetrating, his question concise, cutting directly to Xie Ning’s true purpose.
Xie Ning wanted to keep some distance, but being held on Pei Zhi’s lap made that impossible.
He was forced to fill the space between Pei Zhi and the desk in front of him, his back pressed to Pei Zhi’s chest. His hands were braced against the desk, his fingers tense with effort, the knuckles turning faintly white.
“Mm.” He lowered his eyes. “It was to treat my illness.”
Xie Ning was already prepared for Pei Zhi to lose his temper.
But instead, Pei Zhi asked, “Then why stop?”
Xie Ning froze.
Lifting his lashes slightly, he stared at his own fingers curling inward. Above his head, Pei Zhi’s voice came again.
“Is your illness cured?”
“Not yet.”
“Then why stop?” Pei Zhi pressed. “Why start distancing yourself from me?”
“Why move out? Why ignore me? Why leave me alone?”
Lowering his head, Pei Zhi pressed his forehead against Xie Ning’s hair. “I know I made you unhappy. I’m sorry. I apologize. I’ll change.”
“But can you… not leave me out?”
So many whys in a row left Xie Ning genuinely dazed.
The scene he had imagined had been one of stern questioning, of disappointed severing of ties. The only thing he had never expected was this version of Pei Zhi—this Pei Zhi who sounded almost… wronged.
“I’m not ignoring you,” Xie Ning said. “I’ve just been a little busy lately.”
Pei Zhi no longer believed that explanation.
After a moment of silence, he said softly, “Is it because you know…”
Xie Ning immediately cut him off. “I don’t.”
Pei Zhi was certain. “You do.”
Xie Ning had been playing dumb the entire time. He could pretend the inner thoughts he heard were just hallucinations, deceiving himself if he had to. But now, Pei Zhi seemed determined to force him to face reality.
Pei Zhi continued, “You know I like you.”
It was as if the glass that had sealed over his heart shattered. The fragments broke in every direction, and the sharp sound rang in his ears.
Xie Ning pressed his lips together, even less sure how he was supposed to face Pei Zhi now.
Many people had pursued him before, but Pei Zhi was the one who left him the most helpless.
Bracing his hands on the desk, he tried to get down while speaking nonsense at the same time. “I’m leaving. I just came back to get something.”
Pei Zhi did not stop him. He got up together with him and said, “Okay.”
Xie Ning opened the wardrobe. The once-empty closet was now filled, and most of the clothes inside had been bought by Pei Zhi.
He fell silent for a moment, when Pei Zhi’s voice came from behind him again.
“If you think my feelings are bothering you, then I’ll move out. You don’t need to move out because of this,” Pei Zhi said. “This isn’t your fault.”
“If you don’t want me disturbing you, I can stay far away from you. Change dorms, or anything else. Whatever you want.”
“…It’s not because of that.”
Xie Ning’s lashes trembled. He reached out and grabbed a coat at random. “I’m going out.”
“Mm.”
Pei Zhi’s attitude was cold, as though it truly made no difference to him whether Xie Ning left or not. The rain was pouring outside, and he showed no intention of stopping him.
His expression was emotionless, outwardly proud like a lone wolf.
But inwardly, his thoughts were as lowly and pitiful as a little dog’s.
[Don’t go.]
[Don’t go…]
Xie Ning’s mind was in chaos. He still had not figured out how to face Pei Zhi. They had been good friends—how had things become like this?
But Pei Zhi’s inner thoughts sounded too pitiful. Xie Ning softened a little. His steps slowed for just an instant—and suddenly he was grabbed from behind and pulled into an embrace.
The moment he fell into those arms, thought and reality overlapped.
Pei Zhi’s breath landed hot against the back of Xie Ning’s neck. His voice was hoarse, thick with grievance and pleading.
“Don’t go…”
Xie Ning’s fingers slowly tightened.
“Pei Zhi,” Xie Ning said honestly, “I approached you before because I have skin hunger. If I didn’t have skin hunger, maybe we wouldn’t even have gotten close. To put it bluntly, I was only using you… Are you really willing to let me use you like that?”
He exaggerated a little.
He had not deliberately approached Pei Zhi, nor had he deliberately used him. He really had held some degree of goodwill toward him, and the way they had grown close had been natural.
But one thing he said was true: if not for the skin hunger, they would never have become so close so quickly.
Pei Zhi countered, “Why do you think I wouldn’t be willing?”
“Even if you’re only using me, even if I’m just a tool to you, it doesn’t matter. I still have value to you right now, don’t I? I’m not unwilling. I’m very willing.”
As he bent his head down, his tall body somehow seemed weak.
Pei Zhi was taller than Xie Ning, physically more imposing too, yet right now he was the one at a disadvantage.
Still holding him, he kept repeating, “As long as…”
“As long as you don’t leave.”
Xie Ning looked cold, but in truth he softened easily. Faced with a Pei Zhi so vulnerable like this, he could not help wavering.
Not to mention that he genuinely liked physical contact with Pei Zhi to begin with.
“I can help you,” Pei Zhi said.
As he spoke, all that damp heat fell against Xie Ning’s skin.
Xie Ning looked a little flustered and turned his head aside, letting out a soft, breathy sound.
Pei Zhi stiffened. Xie Ning explained, “You’re too close…”
“Sorry.” Pei Zhi pulled back slightly. “Is this distance alright?”
Just as Xie Ning was about to say yes, Pei Zhi added, “But I want to be closer to you.”
He repeated, “I still have value to you, right? I can help you. I’m willing.”
Xie Ning let out a quiet sigh. “I’m afraid I’ll grow dependent. And dependence isn’t a good thing.”
Pei Zhi said, “If it’s permanent, then dependence should be fine, shouldn’t it?”
Then he suggested, “When the time comes, you can lock me up, tie me with a rope, touch me however you want. If you tell me to strip, I’ll strip. In short, however you want it, I’ll do it. I’ll listen to everything you say.”
Xie Ning’s lashes lifted sharply.
He had never imagined something like that—and yet those words had come from the mouth of the person involved.
His lips parted slightly, but not a single word came out.
“Did I scare you?” Pei Zhi asked.
Xie Ning gave a small nod.
“Cute.”
Pei Zhi lightly stroked the ends of his hair. “Silly.”
They were very close. When Pei Zhi spoke, all the breath from his words fell against Xie Ning’s skin. His somewhat hoarse voice was practically brushing against his ear, making Xie Ning’s earlobes heat up.
Xie Ning turned his face away. “Don’t talk like that.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t.”
Pei Zhi coaxed him gently. A few seconds later, he said again, “You’re afraid that if we keep touching like this, your needs will grow bigger and bigger, harder and harder to satisfy. Right?”
Xie Ning really did not want to discuss this with him.
But Pei Zhi continued analyzing it. “Maybe before, a simple touch was enough. But the longer this goes on, the higher the threshold becomes. After that, maybe you’ll need hugs. Hand-holding. And later on, maybe you’ll need…”
Xie Ning lifted his head.
Their eyes met.
And slowly, Pei Zhi finished the last two words.
“Kissing.”
At the same time, the two of them looked away.
Then, just as quickly, things settled again.
Ignoring the heat rising in his face, Xie Ning said, “Mm. I’m afraid.”
Pei Zhi asked, “Afraid of what? Do you think I’m dirty?”
He hurried to defend himself. “I’m still a virgin. My first kiss is still intact too. I shower every day. I’ve cared about oral hygiene since I was little. I go to the hospital for regular dental checkups…”
Xie Ning seemed unable to listen any longer.
He had just stepped to the side when Pei Zhi caught his wrist again and forcibly pulled him back into his arms. Pei Zhi lowered himself, almost coaxing him as he said, “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that nonsense. I just wanted to explain that I’m very clean.”
“…That’s not the reason.”
Xie Ning said, “It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
He was the one who was sick, yet Pei Zhi was the one who would have to give up so much for him.
That was too unfair.
“But I’m the one who likes you. I’m the one who wants to please you. I don’t need fairness.”
To Pei Zhi, this did not count as anything at all. He liked Xie Ning and wanted to pursue him. Wasn’t giving of himself the most natural thing in the world? Besides, love had never been about fairness to begin with.
After pausing for a moment, he added, “I thought you were worried I’d enjoy it too much.”
Earlier, when Xie Ning had refused to talk to him, Pei Zhi had looked pitiful, like a little wet dog crouching by the roadside in a storm.
Now that Xie Ning was finally willing to talk, he immediately started pushing his luck and saying strange things again.
Without realizing it, Xie Ning had somehow ended up back in his arms. Just moments ago he had been saying he wanted to leave, but now his rear was once again resting against Pei Zhi’s thigh.
He did not even understand how things had somehow turned out like this.
Lifting his head, he said very seriously, “Pei Zhi, you’re not gay.”
“You don’t need to go this far. You really don’t.”
“I’m not gay?”
Pei Zhi looked genuinely surprised.
“I already confessed to you, and you still think I’m not gay?”
He asked, “Who told you that?”
“You did,” Xie Ning said.
More than once, Pei Zhi had said he was straight—a hundred percent completely straight man. And whenever he saw same-sex photos, movies, or advertisements, he would show obvious disgust.
An instinctive reaction did not lie.
Sexual orientation was not something that changed easily. It was mostly innate. Xie Ning did not think he had enough charm to turn a straight man gay.
Maybe Pei Zhi had only misunderstood his feelings because of the way they got along, mistaking brotherly affection for romantic love.
“I did say I was straight.”
Pei Zhi changed direction mid-sentence.
“But I also said I’m gay. Right now, I’m gay. I’m not straight anymore.”
“Xie Ning, are you afraid that I’m gay? Are you homophobic?”
Xie Ning choked on the question. “I’m not, but…”
“Or do you think I’m joking?”
Pei Zhi pulled Xie Ning into his arms, enclosing him like some huge creature. His expression was both delighted and serious.
“If only you could hear my thoughts.”
“Then you’d know how serious I am.”
Xie Ning: “……”
He really could hear them.
Xie Ning’s silence only made Pei Zhi draw closer again.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“Is it because you’re disgusted? Because it sickens you that I have these thoughts about you? Because you think I’m low, that I’m a pervert?”
Pei Zhi moved closer, those deep black eyes carrying a childish stubbornness.
His tone softened slowly.
“I’m not a pervert. I just… like you.”
“…No,” Xie Ning said. “I never thought that.”
After a long pause, he lowered his lashes.
“I just don’t know what to do. And I don’t know how to face you. I keep feeling like things between us shouldn’t be like this.”
How could Pei Zhi like him? How could a straight man suddenly become gay?
The hesitation and struggle in Xie Ning’s expression was like a spark touching oil, setting off a blaze in Pei Zhi’s heart.
Pei Zhi grew visibly excited.
Seeing confusion and helplessness on Xie Ning’s face, he looked as though he had finally glimpsed the first light of victory.
He pressed on.
“So it doesn’t disgust you? Knowing I like you, knowing I’m gay?”
“No.”
“Do you hate me?”
Xie Ning shook his head.
Pei Zhi’s Adam’s apple rolled, and his expression tensed with it.
With careful testing in his tone, he asked softly, “Then… do you like me a little?”
They were far too close.
Close enough to hear each other’s breathing, each other’s heartbeat.
Pei Zhi’s heartbeat was fast. His body was hot. After saying those words, Xie Ning could even see him swallow nervously, his prominent throat moving hard once.
Xie Ning lifted his lashes and stared at him almost blankly.
Like… him?
He had never considered that question before.
Just like he had never put romance anywhere on the list of his life plans.
Pei Zhi’s hot breath drew closer and closer.
This distance was too dangerous. Xie Ning raised a hand, wanting to push Pei Zhi’s face away, but his wrist was caught instead.
Slowly, Pei Zhi clasped Xie Ning’s wrist, the lightly callused fingers rubbing almost intimately at the inside of it.
Seeing that Xie Ning showed no trace of disgust, he said softly, “I think maybe… you might like me a little too.”
“Maybe not much. But at the very least, you have a good impression of me.”
Staring at Xie Ning’s astonished face, he said, “Maybe… both of us are gay.”
That was something Xie Ning had truly never considered.
He had never once thought that he himself might be gay.
His lips parted slightly from excessive shock, revealing a glimpse of the soft, reddish inner wetness of his mouth. His expression was dazed, and there was still a damp gleam at the corners of his eyes.
“I… I’m gay too?”
Pei Zhi did not answer that question.
Instead he asked, “Why do you think I couldn’t possibly be gay?”
Xie Ning was wavering now too.
After hesitating, he said, “Because before, you…”
“That was before. People can change.”
Pei Zhi said, “I used to hate spicy food. Now I love it. I used to hate gay people. Now I can be gay too.”
Xie Ning choked. “That’s not the same thing.”
“How is it not the same thing?”
Pei Zhi guided the conversation forward.
“Are you worried that I’m not actually gay? Or are you afraid that I just haven’t figured out my real feelings yet?”
Xie Ning gave a small nod.
From Pei Zhi’s angle, he actually looked rather obedient.
Something shifted in Pei Zhi’s expression.
He lifted Xie Ning’s wrist in his hand and leaned closer, able to clearly smell the faint scent coming from Xie Ning’s body.
Under Xie Ning’s gaze, he pulled him even nearer.
“I want to know too,” Pei Zhi said, “whether I’m really gay.”
Looking directly at Xie Ning, he lowered his head. His eyes fell to Xie Ning’s lips, and thirst rose uncontrollably in his throat.
In a tone that was half temptation, half coaxing, he said, “Then open your mouth.”
“Let’s try,” Pei Zhi said, his Adam’s apple sliding once, “and see whether we’re really gay.”
