Chapter 38
Having been caught red-handed peeking, a shy blush suddenly suffused the cotton doll’s soft, chubby little face. It moved its two small round hands to cover its eyes in embarrassment, its cat-like mouth opening and closing.
“…Cotton wasn’t looking…”
The little creature was quite fast to deny it.
Shang Che moved his somewhat stiff neck, his hair producing a subtle friction sound.
The cotton doll poked his shoulder with its small round hands, asking in a soft, squishy voice: “Human, why… aren’t you sleeping yet?”
With a living thing suddenly added beside him, it wasn’t that easy to accept…
“…Can’t sleep.” Shang Che’s voice was very low, half-sighing and half-not, blending into the night and sounding exceptionally moving.
Can’t sleep?
Cotton didn’t have to sleep, but the human seemed to need to.
The cotton doll felt somewhat worried: “If you can’t sleep… what should human do?”
“Count sheep, chat, listen to sleep aids… or take…” Halfway through his sentence, Shang Che suddenly recalled that he hadn’t taken his medication today.
His pupils moved slightly, his peripheral vision casting to the side—the nightstand holding the pill bottle was on the other side an arm’s length away, with a “stumbling block” of a cotton doll sitting in between.
To the extent that whether he raised his arm high to reach over in front of the cotton doll’s face, or sat up to bypass the cotton doll’s side, these actions appeared extraordinarily bizarre.
…Forget it. This medication truly shouldn’t be taken too much anyway; tonight he would just pull an all-nighter.
“Hmm?” The cotton doll’s confused voice sounded by his ear, “Human, why… aren’t you speaking?”
Nearly forgetting that this little creature beside him didn’t need to sleep either, Shang Che felt the phrase might need to be changed to “all-nighter with Cotton.”
He asked in return: “What do you want me to say?”
“Human hasn’t said… what to take yet?” The cotton doll was still hung up on its keeper’s unfinished sentence.
Shang Che said lazily: “Anyway, it’s something a little Cotton like you can’t eat. Why ask so much?”
“Alright then.”
The human’s words made complete sense, so the cotton doll stopped agonizing over it. It actually harbored a question it had been curious about for a long time, suddenly feeling this moment was remarkably suited to bring it up and ask.
“Can Cotton… ask human… a question?”
Shang Che: “Ask away.”
“Human…”
The cotton doll called him in a clingy voice.
Shang Che offered a response: “Mm?”
The cotton doll spoke once more, its wind-up appearing a bit long, as if it were hesitating as well: “…What is a home?”
Shang Che froze for a second.
He hadn’t expected the cotton doll to ask him this question.
An unexpected question that didn’t sound like something a cotton doll could ask at all.
Turning his head, he looked at that little creature with a face full of confusion yet an extraordinarily earnest expression. After careful consideration, he explained using a common phrase that was very convenient for the cotton doll to comprehend: “The place where we live is a home.”
“…The place where we live?” The cotton doll repeated in a small voice, tilting its head to ponder: “Then this house… is a home?”
Shang Che: “Mm.”
The cotton doll continued asking: “Then… what about family?”
Shang Che’s breathing caught ever so subtly.
Failing to notice its keeper’s subtle shift, the cotton doll attempted to use its own understanding, saying: “Is it… the people who live in the home?”
The knot in Shang Che’s throat rolled up and down as he answered: “…Pretty much.”
“Then what about human’s family?” The cotton doll blinked, its big golden eyes brimming with innocence and curiosity. “How come Cotton hasn’t seen them?”
From the moment it opened its eyes, the cotton doll had never seen a second human besides its keeper in this place called “home.”
Silence suddenly fell over the bedroom.
The heartbeat inside his chest missed a beat after the cotton doll asked this question, and then accelerated for a fraction of a second with a thump-thump, every single beat sounding extraordinarily clear.
Shang Che’s hand concealed beneath the blanket tightened slightly, his fingertips sinking into his palm.
Looking at that cotton doll—which harbored zero malice, merely pure curiosity—his throat felt as though something were blocked inside, unable to utter a single sound.
He knew this little creature held no malice.
It merely didn’t understand, able only to use its simple cognition to comprehend this complex world, and then use that soft, squishy voice to ask the most direct, heart-stabbing question.
Yet the answer to this question was something Shang Che didn’t want, nor was willing, to speak of to anyone.
“…Human?” Sensing its keeper’s silence, a flicker of worry surfaced in the cotton doll’s golden eyes. It carefully rubbed its head against his ear, as if comforting him: “What’s wrong with you?”
Shang Che closed his eyes, plunging into silence.
The human went quiet again…
Yet this time seemed somewhat different from before.
The cotton doll sensed a thread of unease, its tuft of hair moving ever so subtly, its small round hand lightly touching its keeper’s arm.
“Human, did Cotton… ask a bad question?” Its voice was tiny, carrying a touch of grievance and self-blame. “Human, don’t be angry…”
“…No,” Shang Che spoke, his voice rasper than he anticipated. “I’m not angry.”
He was merely pondering, merely hesitating.
Hesitating over whether these words—which he was unwilling to confide in anyone—could be spoken openly before this cotton doll.
Shang Che felt his throat was dry to an unbearable degree. He paused for a moment, as if organizing his phrasing, yet as if preparing himself mentally.
“My closest family…” he finally spoke, his speech very slow, “…aren’t in this home.”
The cotton doll gazed at him unblinkingly with its golden eyes, like a quiet and reliable little listener.
“My mom… left very early on. My dad…”
Shang Che paused, as if mentioning this person made him unable to refrain from furrowing his brows, yet amidst the aversion, a very complex emotion that the cotton doll couldn’t comprehend seemed intermingled.
“…He’s very busy, busy to the point where he almost has no time to return to this home.”
The cotton doll tilted its head, trying hard to comprehend the meaning of these words, asking somewhat naively: “Left… where did she go?”
Shang Che looked at those pure and crystal-clear eyes, suddenly not knowing how to explain the word “death.”
In the end, he gave up explaining a word that humans might spend their entire lives without coming to terms with to a carefree little Cotton.
Raising a hand, he touched the cotton doll’s cheek, speaking in a low voice: “It means going somewhere very far away, never to return again.”
The cotton doll went silent for a few seconds. And then, it extended its small round hands, gently encircling Shang Che’s wrist, keeping him from leaving.
“Then human’s… dad?” It was clearly unfamiliar with this word, mimicking it somewhat stiffly, “Is he very far away too?”
“A different kind of far.” Shang Che’s voice sounded somewhat desolate. “One is far in the biological sense; the other is far in the physical sense.”
The cotton doll froze for a second, a clear look of confusion appearing in its big golden eyes: “…Cotton doesn’t understand…”
Shang Che suddenly let out a soft laugh, stroking its head, the fluffy touch appearing to soften his heart for a fraction of a second: “If you could understand, you wouldn’t be a little Cotton.”
The human was looking down on Cotton…
The cotton doll pouted its mouth, stuttering out: “But human said… people living in a home… are family. If human’s dad… doesn’t live in the home… is he still family?”
Listening to its simple logic, Shang Che went speechless for a moment.
“…Yes.” After a moment of silence, Shang Che exhaled a breath from deep in his chest. He felt as though something that had plagued him for a long time was gradually becoming clear amidst its ignorant simplicity.
“No matter how far away, he is my family.”
Looking at its keeper, the cotton doll suddenly opened his palm with its two small round hands, pressing its small face against it and rubbing gently.
“Human.” Its voice was soft and muffled, drifting out from between Shang Che’s fingers.
“Mm.”
“How about Cotton becomes human’s family?”
The cotton doll’s soft, squishy words landed in Shang Che’s heart like a heavy weight.
His body froze ever so subtly.
“Cotton has… no other place to go,” the cotton doll continued speaking, its voice earnest as if declaring something important, “Cotton only has human… Cotton will only live in… a home together with human.”
“Human doesn’t have… other people to keep company, so Cotton will keep human company.”
“That way, human will have family.”
“And Cotton will too.”
It raised its small face, its pupils reflecting Shang Che’s face.
Those clean eyes held no pity, no sympathy, merely pure, direct, unadulterated warmth.
It rubbed against its keeper’s finger, acting cute: “How about Cotton becomes human’s family, okay?”
Shang Che looked at it.
The cotton doll’s sparkling eyes, subtly swaying tuft of hair, and pouted cat-like mouth drawn tight in earnestness all seemed to be telling him—You are completely finished, Shang Che.
A corner of his heart—desolate for a long time—was gently yet forcefully knocked open by a lump of cotton, taking root from then on.
His eyes and chest felt somewhat swollen and sour. A sudden urge surged within him to tightly pull this silly little creature—who knew nothing yet seemed to understand everything—into his arms.
Yet he didn’t.
He merely lowered his eyes, using his finger pad to gently stroke the cotton doll’s soft cheek.
“…Okay.” Shang Che’s tone of agreement was very light.
The cotton doll’s eyes lit up with a sudden swoosh, its tuft of hair perking up straight as a rod, its cat-like mouth splitting open into an extraordinarily brilliant smile.
“Really?!”
Shang Che nodded: “Mm.”
The cotton doll confirmed once more: “Human really… lets Cotton be family?!”
Shang Che: “Really.”
“A promise is a promise?!”
Shang Che pinched the cotton doll’s small hand: “A promise.”
Overjoyed to the point of not knowing what to do, the cotton doll hugged its keeper’s finger with its small round hands, burying its face inside once more, saying in a muffled voice:
“Cotton has family now!”
Lowering his head, Shang Che looked at its overjoyed little demeanor, a distinct and heartwarming curve surfacing at the corners of his mouth.
“Silly Cotton,” he spoke softly.
“Alright.”
After a long while, the cotton doll was still submerged in delight.
Looking at its satisfied appearance, Shang Che couldn’t help reaching out to stroke its head, “It’s very late; keep it down.”
“Oh right, can’t disturb human’s rest~”
The cotton doll turned its round head to the side, its golden eyes sparkling bright with excitement. Looking at Shang Che, it called him in a small voice: “Human.”
“Mm?” Shang Che responded.
“Cotton is so happy today.” The cotton doll’s voice was soft and sweet, as if bubbling with bliss: “Cotton knows what a home… and family are now.”
“And, Cotton has family now too.”
Looking at it, Shang Che’s heart felt warm and grounded, an unnoticeable wave of sleepiness even welling up.
“Mm.” Pulling up the blanket, he covered the hand-flailing cotton doll, then spoke in a soft voice, “Time to sleep.”
“Mm-mm…” The cotton doll nodded its head, putting on an aura of “why aren’t you sleeping yet,” urging him in reverse, “Human, hurry and sleep~”
“Cotton is keeping you company~”
Shang Che shook his head helplessly.
…Which little creature was it just now that wanted to ask him questions and wouldn’t let him sleep.
Besides, where did he need its company.
—A little creature that truly knew how to sing its own praises.
It seemed that after chatting with the cotton doll for a bit, he had actually relaxed quite a bit, waves of sleepiness surging over him.
…Strange, he clearly hadn’t taken medication tonight…
The cotton doll lay beside its keeper in complete contentment, listening to the steady breathing coming from beside the pillow.
It suddenly felt that the person in that “place far away where one can’t return” must surely hope very much for family to keep its keeper company too.
It didn’t matter. Now, Cotton was here.
Cotton would keep him company forever.
That night, Shang Che had a dream.
In the dream, he was doodling on a sheet of white paper, when suddenly a pair of gentle hands pulled him into an embrace, then held his hand to draw line by line.
He slowly turned his head around, catching sight of those eyes brimming with a gentle smile that were identical to his own.
“A-Che, look, do you like it?”
The young version of himself lowered his head, yet the picture grew blurry.
He only heard himself say: “I like this one, Mom! Will you give it to me?”
“Of course. Once Mom makes it, I’ll give it to you as a gift.”
“When will that be, Mom…”
“Be a bit more patient, A-Che…”
Morning light spilled in through the gaps in the curtains. Shang Che was still submerged in the dream, not yet awake.
The cotton doll looked quietly at his sleeping face, its cat-like mouth curving into a tiny arc.
Good morning, human.
Today, Cotton will keep you company all day long too.
