Chapter 42: The Ruins of Childhood
In that instant, Zhu Zhixi suddenly understood.
Abruptly, he remembered something Fu Rangyi had unconsciously said during his susceptible period.
[Auntie said not to hug the children here…]
So the “here” he had been talking about was this place. This children’s welfare institute, now closed down and abandoned.
A site—traces left behind by human activity. This place was the remains of Fu Rangyi’s childhood.
Children in a welfare institute could not be hugged casually. Once they were hugged, they would begin to expect it. They would long to always be held, always be coaxed. And once those adults left, only the “aunties” working at the institute remained. They were simply too overwhelmed. They could not possibly hold every child.
All the doubts Zhu Zhixi had felt throughout their time together, all the little details he could not understand, the favoritism of the Fu parents, the terrible atmosphere of that family… all of it now had an answer.
His eyes reddened rapidly. His nose ached so badly that he thought he was about to have another nosebleed, and he even raised a hand subconsciously to touch it.
Nothing.
There was nothing.
He was only too heartbroken.
The calmer and gentler Fu Rangyi smiled, the more it hurt.
Under their shared gaze, that suffocating empathy became a mirror. The pain in Zhu Zhixi’s eyes reflected the deepest part of Fu Rangyi’s heart.
Fu Rangyi raised his hand and touched his cheek.
“Don’t cry, all right?”
His tone was calm and restrained, like that of an outsider. “If this makes you sad, I think it might be better not to talk about it.”
The moment he finished speaking, Zhu Zhixi grabbed his hand. His eyes were red as he shook his head.
“No. You can’t.” As he spoke, he turned his face and quickly wiped the dust from the glass of the photo frame with his other hand. His fingertips, urgent and determined, pointed at one blurred, childish face.
“Second row, fifth from the left.” Zhu Zhixi turned his head back, gripping Fu Rangyi’s hand especially tightly. “Right?”
Fu Rangyi frowned slightly.
He had thought that after so many years, he had turned himself into stone. He thought he would no longer pity himself, no longer feel sorrow over it.
But Zhu Zhixi seemed to possess the ability to turn stone back into a “heart.” At this moment, what his fingertip had poked was not the child in the photograph, not a piece of stone, but a mass of soft, fragile muscle.
For the moment, Fu Rangyi could not understand his own complicated emotions, so he only smiled and nodded.
“Yes. You’re really amazing.”
Zhu Zhixi did not become happy because of that praise. He only silently held Fu Rangyi’s wrist and silently looked at the photograph.
After a while, Zhu Zhixi said softly, “So you didn’t like smiling even when you were little. And you liked wearing white even when you were little.”
He looked back. “Like a little snowman.”
Fu Rangyi gazed at him. “Like the one you made?”
Zhu Zhixi shook his head. “Not at all. You’re much prettier than that.”
It melted. You’re still here, safe and sound. You’re much stronger than it was.
Zhu Zhixi did not say those words aloud.
Fu Rangyi let out a soft laugh.
“How old were you here?” Zhu Zhixi tried his best to steady his voice, to make himself sound calmer too.
Fu Rangyi said, “Four.”
There was another stretch of silence. The wind howled as it swept through the lonely corridor. Fu Rangyi understood Zhu Zhixi. He knew he was kind and softhearted. Even if it was not him, even if it was some unfamiliar orphan, Zhu Zhixi would feel sad for them.
It was too cruel to make the naturally sensitive Zhu Zhixi ask questions himself. So Fu Rangyi spoke first.
Even though, to him, opening up and expressing himself was like tearing apart two pages that had stuck together. It was extremely difficult.
“According to the aunties here, I was abandoned at the back door of the welfare institute. The cameras didn’t capture the person who abandoned me. I was wrapped in swaddling clothes and placed in a foam box. There was only a note inside, with my birthday written on it. Nothing else.”
“No one knew who my parents were. So at the hospital, when you said you wanted me to accept that treatment plan, I wasn’t ignoring your opinion. I was just a little dazed. I didn’t know you had overheard it, and I didn’t know how to tell you that, actually, I can’t find any direct blood relatives who can help treat me.”
The draft through the corridor was too cold.
He saw Zhu Zhixi trembling.
So Fu Rangyi did not continue. First, he led him up to the second floor and casually pushed open the first door. Inside were still some wooden children’s beds that had not been worth moving away.
“Judging by my date of birth, I should have been about two months old when I came here.”
He narrated it with great restraint, without adding emotion, only describing facts. “Actually, growing up here wasn’t as terrible as people imagine. Every child received a monthly government allowance. Sometimes, there was also help from kind people in society. Food and clothing were not a problem.”
“It was like… a special school. Because the children here were all a little unusual.” Fu Rangyi explained, “From a very young age, I gained a very direct understanding of all kinds of complicated and rare illnesses. I learned about them through the playmates I had as a child. Compared with them, I was the one who looked the most normal on the outside.”
Zhu Zhixi had never been this quiet before. It made Fu Rangyi feel a little unused to it, but he was also very afraid of Zhu Zhixi speaking. Even if Zhu Zhixi expressed the slightest hint of sympathy, Fu Rangyi would be unable to continue.
“So, very early on, people wanted to adopt me. So early that I don’t even have any memory of it. I only heard it from the aunties. Every time, among all the children, I was always the first one to be chosen.”
Every time.
Hearing those two words, Zhu Zhixi felt almost unable to bear it.
He thought of the stray animal shelter he had founded with Liang Yi’en. Whenever they opened for adoption, the ones picked the fastest were usually the prettiest kittens and puppies.
Fu Rangyi… whether in the photo, in the welfare institute, or anywhere else, he had always been beautiful enough to stand out.
But why, then, had he still been in the welfare institute until he was four?
He could not bring himself to ask.
“The first family who decided to adopt me seemed to be a family of doctors. They were very satisfied with my appearance, but they were also very cautious. They hoped I would be as healthy as I looked. So before officially completing the procedures, they brought me, still an infant, for a very thorough checkup. It was during that checkup that they discovered there was something wrong with my gland. To put it simply, there were risks regarding development and differentiation. When I grew up, I might fail to differentiate and become someone with a sex-related disability.”
At this point, Fu Rangyi smiled. “Looking at it now, that possibility was actually the one I would have wanted. Unfortunately, I wasn’t.”
Zhu Zhixi held his hand.
“Don’t say that,” Zhu Zhixi said hoarsely.
Fu Rangyi did not say yes, nor did he nod. He only held Zhu Zhixi’s hand in return and continued.
“In short, that couple gave up. That was normal too. The welfare institute couldn’t hide anything from prospective adoptive parents, so this hidden risk was also written into my file. From that day onward, I was completely integrated into this environment. I was finally no longer the only normal child.”
“Later, I grew older day by day and began to form memories. My impression of childhood is that every few days, strangers would come to see me. The way they looked at me was always the same. There was sympathy, affection, and scrutiny. Adoption is a very serious matter, so basically, after they learned of the developmental risk with my gland, they all gave up.”
As a child who had grown up in a welfare institute, he adapted very well to a life of being chosen.
Other children, because of various obvious illnesses or disabilities such as albinism, autism, deafness, muteness, and so on, were difficult to choose from the very beginning.
Fu Rangyi was the opposite. He was the most beautiful child in the welfare institute. Not only was there nothing wrong with his intelligence, he even far exceeded other children his age. Without exception, prospective adopters would take a liking to him at first sight.
And then give up on him.
At first, he did not understand. When he heard, “An uncle and auntie want to see you,” he would still be very happy. But before long, those uncles and aunties who smiled while stroking his face and squeezing his hand would disappear.
Day after day. Year after year.
He was an exquisite doll placed on a counter. So exquisite that everyone who passed by would stop, pick it up, take a look, flip it over, and wind the spring. Then he would clack across the floor, singing.
Until the shop assistant came over and told the customer that this was actually a defective sample.
Oh, I see.
They would put the doll down, apologize, and leave.
Then the next customer would come in.
Whether he could adapt or not, he had to adapt.
“Later, when I was a little over four years old, I remember it was winter. My adoptive parents came. That is, my current parents.” Fu Rangyi stared at the gray sky outside the window. “They had a very good relationship, but they had been married for five years and had never been able to have a child.”
Zhu Zhixi held his hand even more tightly.
“Actually, it was also because there was a problem with my adoptive mother’s gland development.”
At this point, Fu Rangyi’s tone even became a little lighter. “Maybe because of that tiny shared trait, they felt that I was a little like their child. They thought this was a fate destined by heaven. That defect became the reason they chose me.”
Although he said it that way, Zhu Zhixi understood in his heart.
The Fu parents chose him not only because of the risk of incomplete gland development. More than that, this child was indeed outstanding. With their wealth and status, they had probably already screened through many welfare institutes many times. Fu Rangyi’s conditions were likely the most satisfactory they had found.
He was such a good seedling that even if they had given birth themselves, they might not have produced one like him.
“Actually, on the day I was taken away, I was very happy. It felt like I had been chosen. It was my first time sitting in such a luxurious car. The seat cushions were so soft, much more comfortable than my bed. And my adoptive mother held me the entire way.”
They said many things on the road.
[From now on, we’re your dad and mom. You’re not a child without a home anymore.]
[Whatever you want, whatever you like, tell Dad and Mom. We’ll find it all for you.]
[Don’t be afraid. You’ve suffered. From now on, you’ll be happier than any other child.]
It was very cold that day. A thin layer of mist had condensed on the car window. Outside, the trees swept backward rapidly, blurred and shadowy, white light overflowing like a dream. Snow fell from the sky. Large white flakes drifted down, like countless knots in a great net. Later, when Fu Rangyi thought back to this scene again, he finally understood.
That was the net of fate.
It had lured him with the illusion of “happiness” and enclosed him within it.
He hated winter.
In winter, he always received beautiful packages. But when he opened them, they were empty inside.
“They were indeed very good to me. That can’t be denied. They gave me a name, gave me extremely privileged conditions, and gave me care. At first, I was still a little guarded. But under their care, little by little, I began to accept it, to adapt. I thought this was my home, and they were my parents. Until two years later, my adoptive mother unexpectedly became pregnant. Before my seventh birthday arrived, Fu Liaoxing was born.”
Just as the slow-to-warm-up him had finally opened his heart completely to his parents, their biological child was born.
Sensing Zhu Zhixi’s hand trembling, Fu Rangyi’s originally weak fingers tightened around it a little.
“So they stopped loving you.”
He could tell that Zhu Zhixi had held back again and again before saying this. His voice carried a sob. Fu Rangyi turned around and sighed silently, pulling Zhu Zhixi into his arms.
“To say they didn’t love me is a bit too absolute. It’s just that people are selfish. My adoptive mother’s pregnancy was very difficult. She had to get injections every month, and even watching it was exhausting. Several times, she almost miscarried. When she gave birth to him, she also went through the gates of hell. If you put yourself in their shoes, a child born after so much hardship, a piece of flesh that fell from her own body, who also looked more like them—how could they not be biased?”
“You might not believe this, but at first, I liked my younger brother a lot too. So when I say I can understand your brother, I mean it.”
Zhu Zhixi looked up at him with red eyes. “Why?”
As if he had known Zhu Zhixi would not understand, Fu Rangyi lowered his head, stroked his hair, and patiently explained.
“Because he was different. Between my adoptive parents and me, our relationship was one of being chosen. They were adults, stronger than me, so my feelings for them also contained fear.”
“But Fu Liaoxing arrived suddenly. A tiny baby who cried and smiled at me. Back then, I was very naive. I even thought I had finally gained a piece of family affection that truly belonged to me. It wasn’t a relationship of adoption and being adopted. It was real kinship. We would grow up together. I could be a good older brother, take care of him, and protect him.”
That was the second time he had opened his heart.
“At first, it really was like that. From childhood, Fu Liaoxing relied on me a lot. Wherever I went, he followed. Later, once, an important guest came to the house. That uncle saw me and told me to come sit with them. My adoptive father asked me to pour tea for the guest. At the time, I had just picked up the teapot when my younger brother rode over on his scooter and accidentally crashed into me. The tea spilled onto the back of the guest’s hand. Although he didn’t say anything, he was obviously unhappy. He just couldn’t argue with a child.”
“My adoptive father was very angry and scolded both of us. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I thought my younger brother might have been frightened too, so I wanted to comfort him. When I reached his door, I heard my adoptive father’s voice.”
“He was coaxing him,” Zhu Zhixi said with a frown.
“More or less.” Fu Rangyi raised his hand and smoothed out the crease between his brows. “He said, ‘Daddy shouldn’t have lost his temper at you today. Daddy was wrong.’ My brother said, ‘Daddy, you lost your temper at Brother too. That was wrong too.’ At the time, my adoptive father thought for a moment and told him, ‘You two are different. You are the precious baby Mommy worked so hard to give birth to.’”
“How could he say that?” Zhu Zhixi was so angry that his lips were trembling, but his tears fell first.
“I don’t know. Maybe he had wanted to say it for a long time. When I took Fu Liaoxing climbing trees, or when I took him on my bicycle and we fell. In any case, after that day, Fu Liaoxing knew I was adopted. The relationship between us also began to become subtle.”
A young child’s understanding of good and evil was murky. Once he was given the concepts of “special” and “only,” and had his parents’ biased guidance, he would naturally develop a kind of innocent arrogance.
I am their biological child. You are not. So in my home, you are no longer the brother above me. You are at the very bottom of this family’s order of priority.
“Blood ties cut off our affection. Later, he developed a kind of urge to compete with me. The same tutor, the same piano teacher—whenever they praised me and told him to learn from his brother, it made our relationship worse and worse. He even didn’t want to ride in the same car as me to school. As long as something was mine, he wanted it.”
Zhu Zhixi gripped his wrist, raised his eyes, and once again revealed that tearful look. His lips moved, but he did not dare to ask.
Fu Rangyi saw through what he wanted to ask at a glance.
“That’s right. Ruby was one of those things. When you asked me before, I didn’t want to say it at the time. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you. I just felt…” He sighed. “Taking all of this out is so tiring.”
Zhu Zhixi blinked a few times, and large tears rolled down, crystal clear. He turned his face away and hugged Fu Rangyi, hugging him very tightly.
Seeing him cry, Fu Rangyi felt conflicted. On one hand, he did not want Zhu Zhixi to feel sad, and he did not want to be pitied. On the other hand, there was a secret, abnormal sense of pleasure. Zhu Zhixi had said that after becoming an adult, he almost never cried. And indeed, he had only cried for his deceased mother.
For such an honest person, he had avoided writing down the reason that would make him cry, because it was truly very, very heavy.
Now Fu Rangyi had also become a reason for Zhu Zhixi’s tears.
“Don’t cry anymore, all right?” He took a tissue from his pocket, pulled it out, and gently pressed it against Zhu Zhixi’s eyes. “The wind is so strong. Your head will hurt later.”
“Should we stop here?” He tilted his head slightly, wanting to look into Zhu Zhixi’s eyes.
For some reason, this sentence seemed to make Zhu Zhixi even sadder. It was as if he were a prophet who clearly knew that there were worse things to come, so he did not want to stop here.
Suppressing the sob in his voice, he asked, “If you keep talking, will you be very sad?”
Fu Rangyi smiled. “It seems like you’re the sadder one.”
Zhu Zhixi froze for a second, his tear-bright eyes shining like gemstones.
“Then can you keep going?”
Fu Rangyi could not refuse him. “Let’s go to the car. It’s too cold here.”
When they left, Zhu Zhixi held his hand and walked every step with him. In a voice that sounded as though he was afraid of hurting him, he asked, “Did you have any good friends here?”
After saying so much in one go, Fu Rangyi had somewhat given up on maintaining appearances. He was more honest than usual.
“No.”
“I didn’t talk much when I was little. And here, being too normal was also a kind of abnormal. I didn’t like playing with them either. I only had one hobby.”
“What hobby?” Zhu Zhixi asked.
“Digging in the dirt,” he said.
“Really?”
Zhu Zhixi finally laughed a little. Fu Rangyi was very satisfied and nodded.
“Mm.”
They happened to be downstairs. He pointed at the flower bed downstairs, and then outside the front gate. “I often dug in the dirt. Occasionally, I would dig up glass marbles, broken glass, packaging bags. They were actually just trash, but I thought some of them were very pretty, so I washed them clean and kept them in a little box under my bed.”
“And then?” Zhu Zhixi pressed. “Where did the treasures you dug up go?”
Treasures?
What a strange word.
But it was indeed a word Zhu Zhixi would use.
“I brought them with me to the Fu family.”
“Can you show them to me next time?” Zhu Zhixi took his arm.
Fu Rangyi was silent for a few seconds before saying, “I’m afraid I can’t. The housekeeper at home cleaned the room and threw that little box away as trash.”
The light in Zhu Zhixi’s eyes went out instantly, exactly like Fu Rangyi back then.
They got into the car. This time, they both sat in the back seat. Fu Rangyi turned on the heating, and the temperature slowly rose. The white car interior seemed to become a warm tent.
Amid the silence, Fu Rangyi suddenly spoke, saying something that seemed to come out of nowhere.
“There’s been so much snow this year.”
Zhu Zhixi looked at him.
“In the past, it only snowed once a year. When it snowed, there would be glutinous rice dumplings to eat.”
“What kind of dumplings?” Zhu Zhixi asked.
Fu Rangyi turned his head, looked at him, and smiled.
White dumplings very much like you.
“I’ll make them for you next time,” he answered instead.
Zhu Zhixi nodded and said quietly, “You said it. Don’t forget.” His hand moved closer, touched Fu Rangyi’s hand, and hooked his little finger around his.
Like a child.
A faint smile appeared at the corner of Fu Rangyi’s mouth as he looked at him too. He noticed Zhu Zhixi opening his mouth several times, wanting to speak but stopping himself.
“What else do you want to ask?”
Zhu Zhixi looked at the back of his neck. There were still bite marks left by him.
“Although when you were little, they found out there was a risk with your gland development, and you might not be able to differentiate… in the end, you still successfully differentiated. And you became an S-level Alpha.” Zhu Zhixi asked softly, “The process of differentiating probably wasn’t easy, was it?”
Hearing this question, Fu Rangyi keenly sensed something. He even suspected that Zhu Zhixi really had known something beforehand, but because of their previous agreement not to pry into each other’s matters, he had not mentioned it.
“Mm,” he admitted. “That is the part I mentioned that Li Qiao was involved in. I’ll tell you about it too in a moment.”
“But I need to say this first. He has never been to this welfare institute, and he has no idea it exists. I have never told anyone about these things.”
Zhu Zhixi immediately raised his hand, habitually about to swear again. “Don’t worry. I’ll definitely keep it secret for you…”
But Fu Rangyi held his raised hand, brought it down, and said, “That isn’t what I mean.”
Their fingers interlaced, and their wedding rings knocked together with a faint, delicate sound. He said solemnly, “I just want to tell you that you truly are the most special one.”
Author’s Note:
—Back to the day they first met on their blind date—
When the server brought over the coffee, someone accidentally bumped into them, and the coffee spilled. At the time, Professor Fu zoned out for a second and thought of himself. After that, he no longer had the mood to continue chatting. He also felt that Little Zhu suddenly grabbing his hand was very strange, so he planned to end the blind date directly. But when he left, he unexpectedly saw Little Zhu helping the server out of trouble.
To other people, that was a very small thing. Wasn’t he just a kind customer?
But to Fu Rangyi, it was not just that.
That was the first time he realized that back then, he had actually longed very much for someone like that to appear too—to help him out of trouble, comfort him, and smile as they told him this was a very small matter, that he had done nothing wrong.
But that person had never appeared.
Or perhaps, he had appeared just a little bit late.
