Chapter 41: An Equal Conversation
Hearing those words, Zhu Zhixi’s nose suddenly stung.
The anger that had been swelling and swelling burst with a pop. A gentle blade slipped into his chest, and what poured out was no longer rage, but only hurt.
The wind made his eyes ache. He lowered his head and heard Fu Rangyi continue in a hesitant tone.
“Is it because of that Omega just now?” Fu Rangyi paused for a moment. “I don’t know what his intentions were, but I don’t think he meant it in the sense of ‘taking a fancy’ to me. He probably just wanted to use the chance to irritate your brother.”
He added, “I’m very resistant toward Omegas. You know that.”
Zhu Zhixi’s lashes trembled slightly, and so did his voice. “I don’t know.”
After saying that, he lifted his head, his eyes rimmed red. “I don’t know anything about you. But me? I share all my secrets with you. That isn’t fair.”
If his sadness before had been separated by frosted glass, vague and impossible to name, then in this moment, that frosted glass shattered too. Zhu Zhixi saw clearly that his organs had twisted themselves into knots. He saw the root of the pain, and it came down to two words: greed.
He wanted so, so much. He wanted to be special. He wanted to be the only one.
He wanted this version of Fu Rangyi to appear only in front of him, to show only him that helpless side. He wanted Fu Rangyi to choose his words carefully only for him, to hesitate again and again, picking out the pleasant things to say. He wanted Fu Rangyi to speak softly only when he lost his temper.
No, that was still not enough. He even wanted to become a flaw in Fu Rangyi’s merit-driven life, a drop of coffee on his clean white coat, a misplaced image in his thesis, an unfixable modeling error, a fragment of porcelain dug up by Fu Rangyi’s own hands that could never be restored into any ancient artifact no matter what.
He wanted to become someone… someone Fu Rangyi would slightly frown upon remembering, yet could never forget.
These feelings could no longer be forcibly stuffed into the category of “having a little affection.” That delicate, light, flawless wrapping could not contain such sharp possessiveness.
Zhu Zhixi felt bewildered. He had once thought he was very open-minded, that he collided sincerely with the world, allowed anyone to flow through his life, and accepted their departure with ease. His most important person had disappeared long ago, so what else could he not accept?
It turned out that was not true.
It turned out that when a person fell in love, they became someone even they could no longer recognize.
It turned out that he really had fallen in love with Fu Rangyi.
The result of this “physical examination” came much faster than he had imagined.
Someone who had grown up in love was touching the opposite side of love for the first time, and it was black. Zhu Zhixi felt a little panicked and did not know what to do. The courage magic he had been born with seemed to have failed.
He took another step back and smiled.
“Forget it. Just treat it as me still being hungover and acting crazy. I really have to go.”
But Fu Rangyi stepped forward without the slightest hesitation and gripped his wrist with great force, hard enough to hurt. Zhu Zhixi frowned and looked up at him.
He could not read Fu Rangyi’s gaze. He only felt that it was very bright, as if it were full of shards of broken glass.
“Don’t go,” he said. “What do you want to know? I can tell you everything.”
Zhu Zhixi stared at him, and suddenly, fresh sadness was squeezed out of his heart. This time, it was not for himself.
I’m forcing him again. He’s giving in again. I’m such a bad person.
He exhaled deeply. The white mist concealed his not-so-brilliant attempt at controlling his expression.
“Forget it. This isn’t a good place to talk. It’s too cold here. Let’s go home.” He even smiled and patted the hand Fu Rangyi had clamped around his wrist, trying to cover it up with a coquettish tone. “You’re hurting me.”
But this trick failed too. Not only did Fu Rangyi not let go, he instead forcefully dragged him away.
“What are you doing? Where are we going?” Zhu Zhixi could not break free.
Fu Rangyi was silent. He gave him no answer and stubbornly walked forward. In the snow-covered garden, there were only the voices of the two children, loud and clear. One of them shouted, “I hit you! You lost!”
Lost.
Zhu Zhixi let Fu Rangyi drag him into the elevator and down to the parking garage.
Fu Rangyi opened the front passenger door, and only then did he speak again. “Get in first.”
This version of Fu Rangyi was rare. Zhu Zhixi stayed quiet for a moment, then obediently got into the car.
“Where are you taking me?” He looked at Fu Rangyi in the driver’s seat. “Home?”
“No.” Fu Rangyi focused on driving. Only after they left S Hospital and got onto the road, with glaring white all around outside, did he speak again. “Somewhere.”
“What place?” Zhu Zhixi pressed.
“A…” Fu Rangyi paused for a long time, seemingly searching for a suitable word.
In the end, he said, “A site.”
Zhu Zhixi did not understand, but the word stabbed at him somewhere in his subconscious. He even felt a little afraid to face it, even though he had been the one to ask for it.
But stopping halfway was clearly no longer realistic.
After they had driven for a while, Fu Rangyi suddenly said, “It’s a little far. You can sleep first. I’ll wake you when we arrive.”
“I’m not sleepy.”
“You don’t need to worry.” The stubbornness from earlier had disappeared completely. Fu Rangyi now looked extremely rational. “I won’t take you anywhere dangerous. And I’m very calm right now. There’s no risk in my driving. You can check the monitoring data on the bracelet.”
Zhu Zhixi listened, then said directly, “If I were worried, I wouldn’t have gotten into your car.”
After saying that, he added, “Wait, no. This is my car.”
Fu Rangyi glanced at him.
The overly solemn atmosphere changed slightly because of that one line.
Zhu Zhixi pressed his lips together and stopped talking, turning his head to look out at the scenery.
After a while, he added, “I didn’t mean you’re not allowed to drive it.”
This time, he heard Fu Rangyi laugh, very softly. He quickly turned his face and stared at him.
“I didn’t mean to laugh at you.” Fu Rangyi copied his phrasing and added, “I just think you’re very interesting.”
Interesting even when I’m angry? Interesting even when I’m picking a fight?
Zhu Zhixi’s face suddenly heated up.
The navigation suddenly announced that they had deviated from the route and began replanning. He was wondering why when, not long after, they arrived at a fast-food drive-through where one could stop and buy food without leaving the car. Fu Rangyi lowered the window and quickly ordered a set meal. A few minutes later, at the next window, he successfully received the food.
“Thank you.” Fu Rangyi took the paper bag and handed it directly to Zhu Zhixi.
“Eat. You’ve been hungry all morning,” he said. “Make do with this for now.”
Looking at the hamburger and fries inside, Zhu Zhixi inexplicably had a strange feeling. Compared with arguing, they now felt more like they were on a road trip.
But he really was hungry. Besides, for Fu Rangyi, this counted as making do, but not for him. He loved fast food.
Inside the quiet car came the rustling sounds of packaging being opened, along with soft chewing. The silence was no longer unbearably oppressive.
Zhu Zhixi bit into the hamburger, chewing quickly with his mouth closed. As he ate, he tried to untangle the twisted knot of frustration in his heart.
I got angry and argued. I said harsh things. He didn’t snap back. He coaxed me and even bought me food.
So there is a reason I fell in love with him…
Once he had clearly recognized his feelings, Zhu Zhixi began to accept the fact in a self-abandoning kind of way. And once he accepted it, he could not help but start building himself a way down.
“You only bought one?” Zhu Zhixi asked in a lowered voice. “You’re not eating?”
“I’m not hungry yet.”
“But you haven’t eaten either.” He paused, then said, “What if your blood sugar drops and you can’t hold the steering wheel? Wouldn’t I be in danger?”
His tone seemed… a little too exaggerated.
Fu Rangyi turned the steering wheel. After making the turn, he said, “It’s not convenient to eat right now. I’ll just have a little later. Don’t worry about me.”
As soon as he finished speaking, a French fry was held to his lips.
It was over. He had not even finished building the steps before he had jumped right down.
As expected, Fu Rangyi froze too.
“Eat it.” Zhu Zhixi gave up completely, awkwardly finding an excuse. “I’m doing this for my own safety. Don’t overthink it.”
“Mm.” Fu Rangyi ate the fry. “Thank you.”
No need. Zhu Zhixi rummaged through the paper bag and handed over a piece of chicken nugget, deliberately without dipping it in sauce. “Your favorite protein, great professor.”
“The protein in this is less than the innovation in my students’ theses,” Fu Rangyi commented.
“Then are you eating it or not?” Zhu Zhixi raised an eyebrow.
The great professor compromised.
Fries, chicken nuggets, pieces of hamburger torn off by hand, and the cola he had selfishly not changed the straw for… Just like that, bite by bite, intermittently, the two of them shared everything in the paper bag as if they were playing house. Zhu Zhixi’s anger was also swallowed down bite by bite, and he calmed down quite a bit.
He stayed silent for a long time, replaying everything from the past two days in his mind, and began to reflect on himself too.
Last night had already been chaotic. This morning, they had gone straight to the hospital, with no chance to speak privately. Then Zhu Zeran had butted in halfway, stirring the muddy water even muddier.
And he had dragged Fu Rangyi into dealing with that farce too.
Although he was throwing a little tantrum, he still did not want Fu Rangyi to be hurt by someone else’s words.
Who told me to like him?
“Actually…” Zhu Zhixi bit the straw of his Coke and began, stumbling over his words, “Actually, Zhu Zeran wasn’t targeting you. He’s just like that. His mouth is awful. Don’t take what he said to heart.”
“Mm. I won’t.”
When he said this, Zhu Zhixi suddenly realized that he rarely talked to Fu Rangyi about his family either. Thinking about it that way, he was not as honest as he claimed to be.
“My brother… is a little neurotic.” Zhu Zhixi paused. After hesitating for a long time, he finally said it lightly. “I haven’t told you before. My mom passed away very early. Cancer.”
Fu Rangyi’s hand tightened around the steering wheel for a second.
“When my mom died, my brother was only twelve.”
And you? Fu Rangyi thought. Weren’t you even younger? Why don’t you mention yourself?
Zhu Zhixi continued. His tone was very calm. “When my mom gave birth to me, she had a difficult labor and nearly died. Zhu Zeran was still little then, and he was very scared. Even though she was saved in the end, it still left a bit of a shadow on him. Dad said he cried the whole time that day. Mom told him to hold me, and he held me while bawling his eyes out. It was kind of terrifying. Luckily, he didn’t drop me.”
“After my mom passed away, a friend who had been very close to her often came to our house to take care of us. He was a Beta.”
By this point, Fu Rangyi could more or less guess what had happened.
“He got pregnant,” Zhu Zhixi said.
Fu Rangyi said, “Betas can’t conceive.”
The vast majority of Betas did not develop reproductive cavities. A very small number did, but even then, they were usually incomplete. Embryo implantation was like planting a dangerous seed. Those who could successfully give birth were exceedingly rare. Most suffered difficult labor, and both parent and child were in great danger during delivery, with an extremely high mortality rate.
“Mm, but there’s still a tiny probability. He happened to be one of them. And he was very happy. He said it was the crystallization of love between him and his husband. He even told us that when the baby was born, it would call us brothers. We were all looking forward to it.” Zhu Zhixi sighed. “But something went wrong during childbirth. Neither the adult nor the baby survived.”
“Maybe because I look like Mom, whenever it comes to me, my brother gets especially nervous. But I just happen to love freedom and hate being controlled, so we always argue. Every day is chaos. Even my dad can’t do anything about us.”
This was how the brothers got along. It was hard for outsiders to understand. When they met, they fought. When they did not meet, they worried.
“When I was abroad before, there was a period when the local signal was bad and I lost contact with them. After I finally got in touch again, he flew over to find me and insisted on installing a location-tracking app on my phone.” Zhu Zhixi smiled as he spoke. “Isn’t that exaggerated? But the app’s location isn’t very accurate. It only shows within a three-kilometer radius.”
“He’s worried about you. I can understand. It makes him feel more at ease,” Fu Rangyi said. After connecting it with the background Zhu Zhixi had mentioned, he added, “He might have post-traumatic stress.”
“I think so too, but he refuses to see a doctor.” Zhu Zhixi curled his lip. “He does say awful things, but his heart really isn’t bad. And he wasn’t targeting you.”
Fu Rangyi nodded. “I can understand. After all, I don’t speak nicely either.”
Hearing this, Zhu Zhixi almost laughed.
So you do know.
“Besides, his concern is very normal,” Fu Rangyi said. “His younger brother suddenly got married. If, by some accident, you happened to become that one-in-ten-thousand Beta who could conceive, it would probably be a nightmare for him.”
This is also why I don’t want to tell them about the countdown, Zhu Zhixi thought.
And that was not all. From Zhu Zeran’s perspective, he had married someone with malignant susceptibility syndrome. The danger level was doubled.
“But don’t worry, I won’t…” Fu Rangyi suddenly stopped speaking.
Zhu Zhixi caught it keenly and asked, “Won’t what?”
“…Won’t take it to heart.”
It felt like that was not what he had originally meant to say. But Zhu Zhixi still nodded.
After explaining things for the detestable Zhu Zeran, one of the stones weighing on his heart was gone, but many more remained. He weighed them one by one, intending to pick a smaller one and gently throw it out as a test.
But Fu Rangyi spoke first. “Actually, there are many things I’m not deliberately hiding from you. I’m just… used to not talking about them.”
This disrupted Zhu Zhixi’s rhythm.
He suddenly thought of the first time Fu Rangyi had sat at the dining table and had an in-depth conversation with him. Rational, clear-headed, and full of wariness.
His shoulders sank. He said softly, “I understand. Actually, I’m not asking you to be absolutely honest with me. That’s impossible. I’m not that childish. I just… just want a little more right to know.”
Outside the car window, everything was white. Zhu Zhixi’s gaze drifted very far away.
He was not completely honest either. He only said, “Like you said, I’m your friend. Friends should be allowed to know a little about your past too, right? Just like Li Qiao.”
At least he knew what happened when you differentiated. At least he wouldn’t be like me, rashly trying to make treatment decisions for you, only to be skipped over.
“Maybe in your eyes, saying your past out loud means exposing your wounds and giving others an opportunity to hurt you. But I can swear to you, I’m not that kind of person.” By the end, Zhu Zhixi’s speech had sped up quite a bit. He sounded a little anxious.
That made his words seem even paler.
Inside the car, it was so quiet that only the howling wind remained.
A few seconds later, Fu Rangyi finally spoke. His voice carried the tolerant strength of someone older. “Why would you need to swear? Of course I believe you.”
“You just want to eliminate the information gap. You want to stand on equal footing and talk to me. And the purpose of this conversation is really only because you want to help me. Or rather, comfort me.”
That sentence was like a scalpel, slicing precisely into Zhu Zhixi’s heart.
“Your evaluation of yourself is very objective,” Fu Rangyi said gently. “You really are a little angel.”
“I’m not.” Zhu Zhixi refuted him quickly, then lowered his eyes.
No. That blade was too merciful. It had not cut deeply enough, not thoroughly enough. Only if it sliced farther inward could it reveal his truest desires.
After a moment of silence, Zhu Zhixi finally said, “When I’m with you, I can always feel that you have a lot of unhappy things in your past. Every time I want to ask, you don’t want to say it. If no one knew, I wouldn’t have anything to be upset about. But…”
“I found out today that it isn’t like that.” In the end, he still lifted the largest stone all at once. “Those pieces of your past are just like your pheromones. So many people can smell them. I’m the only one who can’t.”
“But aren’t I the ‘most special existence’?”
Only after asking this did he realize that his voice had trembled. So he coughed twice and went quiet.
Fu Rangyi did not immediately give him an answer. Instead, he stopped the car.
Only then did Zhu Zhixi realize that they had arrived at the “site” Fu Rangyi had mentioned. But the surroundings were completely different from the site he had imagined. There were no signs or barriers, no excavated worksite.
As far as he could see, there were dilapidated buildings. Many brown, crumbling walls were marked with bright red characters for “demolish.” When the car door closed, it startled a few white birds into the air. They circled beneath the gray sky. Sparse snow drifted down like feathers scattered after the beating of wings.
Fu Rangyi led him across the road and toward one of the buildings on this desolate street.
It looked like an old elementary school. The pale green paint on the outer walls had long since flaked away, like patches of mold. The window frames were rusted, and the glass was gone, turning every window into a dark opening. The sign above the main gate seemed to have been removed too, leaving only a few iron supports overhead, shaky and on the verge of collapse.
Fu Rangyi reached out and pushed the small side door. One of the hinges had already fallen off, and the other was rusted. With a creak, the door opened inward, and snow and dust fell all over the ground.
He walked in, and Zhu Zhixi followed him. He even turned back and closed the door.
“Actually, before, not many people could smell my pheromones either. That only happened after you.”
It took Zhu Zhixi a moment to realize that Fu Rangyi was responding to what he had said earlier.
“They can only smell my pheromones on you,” Fu Rangyi said.
Zhu Zhixi’s heart moved. His hand tightened.
Why is he suddenly saying something like this…
“The unhappy past you mentioned is not something everyone knows either.” Fu Rangyi walked forward step by step, leading him across the open space and into a long corridor. “Li Qiao doesn’t know either. He just happened to take part in one small portion of it.”
As he spoke, Fu Rangyi stopped and slightly tilted his head, looking at something hanging on the wall of the corridor. Then he turned to Zhu Zhixi and pointed. “Look.”
It was a photo frame covered in dust. The photograph had yellowed with age. Inside were two rows of children and a few scattered adults. At the very top, centered, was a line of text:
Group Photo of Guangming County Happy Home Children’s Welfare Institute.
Zhu Zhixi’s eyes widened. He could hardly breathe. His thoughts were in chaos, his mind blank. For a moment, he did not know what to say or how to speak. He could only turn his face, eyes red, and look at Fu Rangyi.
Fu Rangyi looked back at him too. His gaze was gentle, and somehow, he was even smiling. In the tone of a teacher, as if encouraging an overly slow student, he asked,
“Can you find me in here, little angel?”
