Chapter 22
When Zhuang Wei came back from going out, he brought some hot takeout dishes. The place had already been cleaned and tidied up; even the clothes that had piled up in the laundry basket over the past few days were gone. The washing machine hummed softly as it worked. Qu Tongqiu sat with his head lowered at the table, a newspaper spread out in front of him.
Zhuang Wei set the paper boxes on the table. “Looking for a job?”
The man answered quietly, “Mm… I want to… find some… temporary work…”
“You’ve just recovered. Don’t push yourself too hard.”
“…I should… have some income…”
He was still timid. His voice was low, his speech slower than before. That night in the rain, when he talked all night, it had been the same—broken sentences, pausing again and again, struggling to find the right words to speak, to express himself.
Even with his mental state not fully recovered, he would get out of bed silently to do housework, struggling to pull himself together. Zhuang Wei found that rather endearing.
“Oh, right. I’ve arranged it for you—meeting your daughter tomorrow morning. How does that sound?”
Qu Tongqiu responded softly, but immediately looked flustered. He clumsily picked at the food with his chopsticks, and before it reached his mouth, it fell back onto the plate.
Zhuang Wei looked at him. “Hey, don’t start getting nervous already.”
“… ”
“You have to face it sooner or later. Relax a bit. And you should really clean yourself up properly. It’s almost New Year—don’t look so unlucky. Go get a haircut later, buy some new clothes.”
“… ”
“And anyway, tomorrow you need to look decent. You don’t want your daughter to dislike you, do you?”
Qu Tongqiu hesitated. “I… what should I wear…”
After dinner, Zhuang Wei took him out. Not only did he get a haircut, he also had a full exfoliation, massage, and oil treatment—head to toe. He endured the pain with small, suppressed groans.
Qu Tongqiu whispered, “Forget it…”
Zhuang Wei scolded him. “Do you still want to get clean or not?”
After being scrubbed and steamed, the man looked like he’d been cooked—flushed all over, even carrying a faint scent.
“Feels much better now, doesn’t it? Feels like your head’s lighter, right?”
“Thank you…”
“All that’s left is clothes. Time to properly say goodbye to the old and welcome the new.” Zhuang Wei patted the back of his head. “Hey, stick close to me. Don’t get lost.”
Choosing clothes and shoes didn’t take long. When the man came out of the fitting room, he looked uncertain. Zhuang Wei glanced at him, cleared his throat, looked again. “Now that’s more like it. Just wear this.”
“Thank you…”
“Don’t thank me. Remember—I picked this.”
The man nodded quickly. “I’ll… pay you back…”
Zhuang Wei scolded him again. “Forget it. It’s New Year’s—why invite bad luck?”
After buying everything, Zhuang Wei took him for another walk around. This was the time when the “New Year atmosphere” in the city was at its strongest—festive red everywhere, enough to lift even the most depressed spirits.
“Oh right, let’s go to a bar tomorrow night for New Year’s. Staying home is boring. You have no idea how lively gay bars are on New Year’s Eve.”
Qu Tongqiu hesitated and looked at him. “A bar…”
“Your circle is too small. That’s why you get stuck in your own head. You should meet more people. The atmosphere at bars during New Year is great. You should try it.”
“I… I’m not gay.”
Zhuang Wei glanced at him. “How do you know you’re not?”
“I just… am not…”
Zhuang Wei said lazily, “A lot of people weren’t—until they were.”
“I really am believe not…”
“There’ve been more men you’ve had relations with than women, and you still say you’re not?”
“… ”
In the awkward silence, Zhuang Wei apologized. “Sorry.”
Qu Tongqiu stared at his shoes. “I-it’s okay…”
“But really, don’t be so stubborn. Honestly, I think if you’d admitted earlier that you were gay, maybe life would’ve been easier.”
“D-don’t talk about that…”
Qu Tongqiu hadn’t gone out much in a long time. Walking down the street, he seemed a little uncomfortable, shoulders hunched, but he didn’t seem eager to go back either, still looking around curiously.
“What is it?”
“I want to… borrow some money?”
“Hm?”
He looked embarrassed. “To… to buy Little Ke… a gift.”
Zhuang Wei smiled at him. “Let’s go.”
They picked out a scarf in a shop—white with peach-pink patterns, very cute, soft and thick to the touch. Once it was wrapped up, Qu Tongqiu tucked it into his coat, clearly in better spirits.
When they rested, Zhuang Wei bought two caramel macchiatos by the roadside. Qu Tongqiu drank his very carefully, stretching his neck.
“Why are you making such an effort?”
“The clothes… I’m afraid of getting them dirty…”
“You’re too tense. You’re just going to see your daughter, not some important figure.” Zhuang Wei took his empty cup, crumpled it, and tossed it into the trash. “Let’s go have dinner. I’ve made a reservation.”
At this hour, the restaurant was already busy. Aside from their reserved seats, the upstairs was full. They sat by the railing on the half-level above—the best angle for watching the band later, whether or not Qu Tongqiu could appreciate it.
The dishes were served one by one, the wine opened. Qu Tongqiu just kept his head down, cutting the steak on his plate. “I… I don’t handle alcohol well…”
“A little red wine won’t hurt.”
“But…”
His voice and hand both stopped suddenly. The knife slipped, clanging against the plate.
A tall man entered with a little girl and sat at an empty table downstairs.
From Qu Tongqiu’s angle, he could see clearly. The little girl’s hair looked longer, somehow styled to shine like satin, setting off her dark, bright eyes and even paler skin. Paired with a simple, elegant cashmere dress, she looked just like a little princess—much prettier than when she had been with him.
Zhuang Wei looked at him. “Do you want to go over and talk to them?”
Qu Tongqiu was so nervous that sweat formed on his forehead. He seemed frozen in place, eyes fixed on them, unable to move, fists clenched tightly.
Ren Ningyuan finished ordering, and Qu Ke looked up at him, saying something with a sweet smile—clearly a happy topic. Ren Ningyuan smiled faintly in response.
Then the little girl took a scarf out of a bag.
Qu Tongqiu recognized it. His daughter had no patience for handicrafts, whining that she wanted to knit him a Father’s Day gift. She had knitted for a year and only managed half an arm’s length, then put it away.
And now—it was finished.
Qu Tongqiu stared helplessly. Then the little girl stood up, leaned over the table, and wrapped it around Ren Ningyuan’s neck.
After a while, Qu Tongqiu looked away. He placed his hands on his legs, staring at his plate, no longer eating. After a long time, he said softly, “I… I want to go back…”
Zhuang Wei looked at him. “Qu Tongqiu…”
“This… these clothes… can they be returned?”
“… ”
“You… give the gift… to them… I just… won’t go…”
Zhuang Wei carried Qu Tongqiu back. Knowing full well his poor tolerance, the man had still drunk too much—clearly he had given up completely. Seeing no hope, he no longer intended to struggle, resigned to whatever might happen.
All the way back, he lay dazed on Zhuang Wei’s back, shifting restlessly from discomfort. Gradually, the cool sensation of Zhuang Wei’s cheek and neck felt good, and he rubbed his face against it again and again.
Zhuang Wei freed one hand at the door to find the keys, missing the lock a few times. He warned, “Hey,” but the man kept rubbing against him in a daze.
“You’re really a handful.”
Finally inside, Zhuang Wei set him down, kicked off his shoes, supported him to the bathroom, and wiped his face and hands with a wet towel—hardly gentle, more like cleaning glass.
“Your breath stinks. Open your mouth.” Zhuang Wei poured in mouthwash, then quickly pinched his chin. “Hey, I didn’t tell you to swallow it. Don’t!”
Qu Tongqiu let him do as he pleased. Perhaps he knew that in this world, Zhuang Wei was the only one left he could get close to and trust, so he was especially meek and obedient.
“Rinse again. Hurry.”
The mouthwash clearly made him uncomfortable. After the second rinse, what he spat out wasn’t just liquid anymore. After retching violently and coughing for a long time, Qu Tongqiu seemed to realize something and struggled hazily. “Don’t… don’t dirty the clothes…”
He fumbled with the buttons, took off the expensive new outfit, and only then knelt by the toilet to vomit in peace.
Zhuang Wei felt both pity and irritation. When he was done, Zhuang Wei got a bathrobe, wrapped him up, cleaned him roughly, and carried him back to the bedroom.
He didn’t intend to take advantage of him, but sometimes sorrow was an aphrodisiac. A heartbroken man lying there looked especially tempting. And even in his drunken state, the man seemed terribly lonely, drawn to the warmth and presence beside him, instinctively pressing close.
Zhuang Wei watched him slowly burrow into his arms. “Does this count as harassing me?”
But Qu Tongqiu found a comfortable, secure position and stopped moving. Zhuang Wei glared at him. “If you don’t mean it, don’t torment people.”
Slow and uncomfortable, Qu Tongqiu just pressed his head to Zhuang Wei’s chest, looking for warmth.
Irritated, Zhuang Wei pushed him away. “You’re not imagining I’ll let you sleep hugging me, are you? Do you think I’m not a man? There’s no reason you should feel good while I suffer.”
Roughly pushed aside, Qu Tongqiu didn’t dare lean over again. He shrank back timidly, curling up in a corner.
Yet in the quiet, Zhuang Wei grew even more restless. Turning his head, he looked at Qu Tongqiu’s weak, drunken face and couldn’t help placing a hand on his cheek. Qu Tongqiu leaned in comfortably, rubbing against it. When the hand withdrew, he looked lost—like teasing a puppy.
Zhuang Wei teased him a few times, then finally pulled him into his arms. “Do you really like it that much?”
“… ”
“If you want comfort from me, there’s a price.”
He took out a bottle of lubricant from the bedside drawer. Qu Tongqiu was still lying against his chest, half-asleep, completely unaware of the danger.
“Do you hate me?”
“……”
Zhuang Wei supported the back of his head, covered those cold lips, and kissed him. Qu Tongqiu did not resist. It had been a long time since he had felt anything comfortable; he only waited in a dazed way, confused yet compliant.
Zhuang Wei kissed him little by little, slipped his hand into the loosely tied robe, kneading his chest and hips. Only when he was kissed to the point of breathless restlessness did Zhuang Wei turn him over, holding him from behind as they lay on their sides. While kissing the nape of his neck, he slid a hand between his legs, teasing him amid the man’s panicked gasps. Once he was wet enough, he slowly entered from the side.
Qu Tongqiu felt pain and struggled slightly. Being held tightly only made Zhuang Wei lose control even more. He couldn’t stop, gripping Qu Tongqiu’s waist, touching him as he tried to help him relax.
“Qu Tongqiu… be good…”
Qu Tongqiu was still resisting because of the discomfort of being invaded.
“It’ll be fine in a moment… it’s okay… I’ll give you a good experience.” Such coaxing had little persuasiveness in the initial pain. Qu Tongqiu kept twisting, throwing Zhuang Wei’s breathing into chaos. He could only hold him tighter and bite his neck in unbearable need.
“I want you…”
Only then did Qu Tongqiu finally quiet down. Half-dazed, he endured it, burying his head in the pillow, even trying hard to hold back his voice.
Someone wanting him was better than having nothing at all.
Before Zhuang Wei even opened his eyes, he knew Qu Tongqiu was looking at him. They had held each other all night; his arm was numb from the weight, yet both had slept soundly. The man who woke first was clearly frightened by the obscene things that had happened, holding his breath as he quietly tried to pull away from what was lodged between his legs.
Zhuang Wei wrapped an arm around that thin waist covered in bruises with a touch of malice. The man on top panicked, froze there, and his expression stiffened from the pain.
Zhuang Wei kissed him lightly, feeling a bit sorry for him. Thinking of everything he had done to him last night, his mood softened. “Hey, I’ll take responsibility.”
Still reeling from the impact of sex, Qu Tongqiu was flustered and confused. “I… you…”
“Don’t say you’re not gay. You were willing last night, and you climaxed. You feel something for me. Admit it.”
Qu Tongqiu stared blankly for a long time before his lips trembled. “B-but…”
Zhuang Wei looked at him. “There’s nothing bad about being with me. You don’t want to be alone, do you?”
“……”
“I didn’t force you.”
Zhuang Wei got up. Seeing the man hurriedly avert his eyes from his naked body, he softened his tone as much as he could. “You’ll get used to it. I’m going to shower. Sleep a bit more.”
When Zhuang Wei came out of the bathroom, Qu Tongqiu was still curled under the blanket, even his head covered.
Even through the quilt, Zhuang Wei could feel his turmoil. Sitting by the bed, he patted the trembling back. “You’re really not going to see them today?”
Qu Tongqiu endured it for a while before forcing out a muffled, almost choking sound. “Forget it…”
Zhuang Wei weighed his words. He wasn’t a patient or gentle person, but he knew he had done the most despicable thing when Qu Tongqiu needed comfort the most. He had a responsibility to say something that might make him feel better.
“Not seeing them isn’t a big deal. Leaving them, you might actually live better.”
“……”
“I mean it. Most of your suffering before was because of them, right? From now on you don’t need to give anything to them anymore. Live for yourself. You’ll feel much lighter. Everything will get better.”
He tentatively lifted the blanket. There was no resistance, so he hugged the man from behind, who was trembling with his head buried between his knees.
“I’ll help you. You just give yourself to me.”
“……”
“If your past life was wrong, why not try something new.”
They lay in bed until afternoon. Qu Tongqiu still got up on his own. Zhuang Wei had prepared food on the table, and he managed to eat a bowl of rice.
Even someone as insignificant as him had a kind of humble resilience forged by life.
There were many things he couldn’t figure out, but no matter how chaotic it was, surviving was an instinct.
In the end, Zhuang Wei could be considered good to him. He made a long phone call to turn Ren Ningyuan down for him, then waited for Qu Tongqiu to get dressed properly and took him to a bar to spend New Year’s.
“You should get to know this circle more.”
On New Year’s Eve, the bar was already lively. Many guests came after finishing reunion dinner with their families, gathering here with people of the same kind to welcome the new year. Handsome waiters joked with regulars for red envelopes; generous ones really gave them. With the heating on, the room was full of laughter and noise.
Qu Tongqiu didn’t dare look closely at the intimate teasing between same-sex couples. In this unfamiliar circle, he didn’t even know where to go and could only follow closely behind Zhuang Wei.
Zhuang Wei reached out and took his hand, leading him through the packed crowd to find seats, then let go of his sweaty palm.
“What do you want to drink?”
Qu Tongqiu put his hands on his knees. “…Water is fine.”
Zhuang Wei frowned. “Don’t worry, I’m not trying to get you drunk.”
“……”
“Hey, I don’t like dead bodies either.”
Qu Tongqiu lowered his head awkwardly. The drinks arrived quickly. He held his glass and took a sip, faint laughter drifting through the noise.
“The boss is here—New Year means red envelopes.”
Qu Tongqiu suddenly shuddered. The blood drained from his face and his expression changed completely. Before he could react, Zhuang Wei pressed his hand down. “Don’t be afraid. It’s not Ningyuan. He won’t come tonight.”
“……”
“He can’t get away this year. You know that.”
Only then did Qu Tongqiu relax from his tense state, still breathing shakily. After a while he murmured, “Yeah…”
In past years at this time, he would go through all kinds of trouble just to get through on the phone and wish Ren Ningyuan a happy new year. The other end was always very quiet, with nothing but faint fireworks in the background. He had imagined that world countless times, full of longing and yearning—never thinking it would be a place like this.
Every detail he could recall felt inverted and absurd, making him feel as if he were still trapped in a distorted dream.
The man everyone called “boss” walked over gradually. He was handsome, with a pair of peach-blossom eyes. Smiling, he said, “Didn’t I already hand out bonuses? You still dare ask for more,” yet he still took out red envelopes for the grinning waiters.
“Xiutuo.”
“Hey, how long has it been since we last met?”
The man came over and gave Zhuang Wei a warm hug, patting shoulders. Seeing Qu Tongqiu, he smiled. “I think I’ve seen you before.”
“No…”
“A regular? You look familiar.”
Zhuang Wei looked at him. “Hey, is that your lousy pickup line? You’re not that desperate.”
“You wrong me,” the man laughed, rubbing his nose, then said to Qu Tongqiu, “Hi, I’m Ye Xiutuo.”
He then pulled over a clean-cut, slightly clueless-looking man, hugged him, and gave him a squeeze. “This is my Lin Han.”
Qu Tongqiu hurriedly responded, looking a bit clumsy. After greetings and small talk, people nearby started chanting, “Boss’s wife, boss’s wife.”
Lin Han’s face instantly turned red. Flustered, he said, “I—I’ll go for a bit,” and ran off.
Still not understanding, Qu Tongqiu saw Ye Xiutuo smile and show the ring on his finger. “We’re married.”
Qu Tongqiu was dumbfounded. It took him a long while to react before he hurriedly said, “Congratulations, congratulations…”
His surprise was too obvious. Ye Xiutuo smiled again. “Of course, it’s different from heterosexual marriage in legal terms, but the feeling is the same, right?”
Qu Tongqiu was too shocked to say much. “Y-yes…”
“There’s no need to be so surprised. As long as you don’t get stuck on the details, everything a traditional family can have, we can fight for too,” Ye Xiutuo said with a smile. “If things go smoothly, we’re even planning to adopt a child.”
Another shock left Qu Tongqiu stammering, unable to process it. “Ah…”
Ye Xiutuo laughed. “But it’s just a plan for now. There’s a lot to prepare if we really do it. My Lin Han thinks a daughter would be cuter. I haven’t decided yet.”
“A daughter… is quite nice…”
Ye Xiutuo looked serious. “Really? You think so too?”
Qu Tongqiu panicked and lowered his head. “Y-yes… wish you… success…”
Ye Xiutuo smiled warmly. “Thank you.”
After Ye Xiutuo took his leave, Zhuang Wei looked at the still-dazed man. “See? It’s not as bad as you imagined. There are fairy-tale couples in this circle too.”
“Mm…”
“So don’t be so gloomy. Trying it isn’t a big deal. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m asking you to go kill or set fires.”
Qu Tongqiu stared down at his glass of water, not daring to look up at him.
A man like Zhuang Wei sitting in a gay bar naturally attracted attention—people came to chat him up, bought him drinks, slipped him their numbers. When it became too much, he grew impatient. “I already have company. Can’t you see?”
As midnight approached, the bar reached its peak. The hot opening performance on the stage sent the crowd into a frenzy. Only their table remained cool. Zhuang Wei propped his chin unhappily, criticizing the dancers’ bodies and skills, while the man opposite him just kept his head down drinking water, shrinking in on himself.
When the suffocating fast beats passed, the music relaxed. During the brief slow-dance period, even the revelers on the dance floor needed a breather.
Zhuang Wei put down his glass. “Hey, let’s dance. You don’t come to a bar to sit on a stool. If you just want water, couldn’t you drink it at home?”
“I—I can’t dance…”
Zhuang Wei frowned. “I’m not expecting you to ‘dance.’ You can at least ‘walk,’ right?”
It really was just walking. Pulled close by Zhuang Wei, Qu Tongqiu stiffly swayed along. Around them were couples pressed close, flirting, touching, and newly paired almost-lovers. Qu Tongqiu could only nervously fix his gaze on Zhuang Wei’s shoulder.
“Qu Tongqiu.”
He didn’t deliberately lower his voice, but to the others lost in their own intoxication, it was only a vague whisper.
“Mm…”
“I’m not a saint.”
“Mm…”
“We’re both adult, healthy men. You understand?”
“Mm…”
“Whether it’s okay or not, you have to let me know.”
“……”
“Do you hate me?”
“……”
“Hey, basic courtesy in a conversation is to look at the other person, right?”
Qu Tongqiu timidly turned his face. But before he could meet his gaze, his lips were forcefully sealed.
After roughly two minutes of kissing, Zhuang Wei pulled his lips away, looked at the man who was still tense, and said softly, “See? You don’t hate it.”
When they got home, Zhuang Wei told the man to shower first, and only then did he go in himself.
He washed more slowly than usual, deliberately giving the man outside a little more time to prepare.
Before leaving the bathroom, Zhuang Wei glanced at the face in the mirror. He knew very well the absolute advantage of his looks. He also knew the other man’s weakness—right now, the man had no other choice. He was the only one being kind to him.
Qu Tongqiu was not on the bed. He was sitting on a chair to the side, a magazine laid out in front of him, though clearly he hadn’t read a single word. Wrapped in his bathrobe, his thin back was stiff with tension.
Zhuang Wei didn’t go over to startle him. He went straight to the bed and leaned against the headboard. Just from the man’s back, it was obvious his nervousness had reached its limit. Zhuang Wei asked, “Aren’t you sleeping?”
“I… I’m waiting for my hair to dry…”
“Your hair is already dry.”
“……”
“If you don’t come over, I won’t force you.”
Qu Tongqiu finally stood up and walked over. Even trying hard to control himself, he still trembled a little. He lifted the quilt and lay down beside him.
