Chapter 41
Growing up, Xia Fengsheng had never really liked anyone.
His emotions were far too one-dimensional. Every day he was numb with studying and working, with no mind left for romance. All he wanted was to overturn the earth and watch the world burn.
His attitude toward everyone was extremely equal—
equally dismissive.
Every morning he got up early for school. After school, he had to work. In his spare time, he was either reviewing lessons or looking for odd jobs and part-time work.
He knew the only shortcut out of his situation was studying.
It was the only road he had.
He had no time to make friends, and since childhood he had never really had any chance to make them either.
He could not remember how old he had been, but his parents divorced when he was little. The reason for the divorce was long-term separation and mutual cheating.
From childhood onward, Xia Fengsheng had never had a good impression of marriage.
He grew up in an old apartment building. The people living around him were not merely poor—there was always someone worse off than the last.
When poor couples lived together, everything turned bitter.
Not just in that tiny residential compound made up of only three buildings—even just in Xia Fengsheng’s own building, from top to bottom, there were couples fighting every day, often with children crying in the background, begging, “Dad, Mom, stop arguing.”
The soundproofing in those old buildings was bad. He had heard those quarrels his whole life growing up.
Wouldn’t divorce solve it?
If they divorced, wouldn’t there be so much less trouble?
Xia Fengsheng slept with earplugs in. The neighbors’ fighting and children’s crying no longer surprised him.
Because he himself had once been one of the children in that chorus of noise.
The long-distance separation had been the main reason his parents cheated.
And the reason they had been living apart in the first place was almost laughable.
It was because of him.
When Xia Fengsheng was born, the delivery had been difficult. He had been born at only eight months. His mother labored in the delivery room for an entire day before finally giving birth to him, while his father knelt outside the delivery room praying and crying for that same whole day.
The newborn had been terrifyingly light.
A premature baby, only the size of two palms, weighing just two jin and six liang. So tiny it seemed as though his vital signs might vanish at any moment.
After he was born, he stayed in an incubator for more than two months. Only close to his hundredth day was he discharged, and his parents carried him home with the utmost care.
Back then, the two of them had loved each other.
And they had loved Xia Fengsheng too.
Xia Fengsheng had been born at the very height of their love, when all they could see was him.
They said that premature babies were physically weak, and because of that, it was easier for “things” to cling to them when they were little. To pray for the child’s safety and bless him with peace, his parents had specially had a pair of silver bracelets made for him when he was small. They had been blessed at a temple to ward off disasters and misfortune, to protect Xia Fengsheng’s health and let him grow up safe and sound.
But a premature baby was weak.
When Xia Fengsheng was one year old, he was constantly sick, big illnesses and small ones. His parents carried him everywhere seeking treatment, spending almost all their savings until they no longer had enough left for daily life.
His illness got better.
The money disappeared.
And no one knew whether he might continue getting sick later.
Wanting to give the child a better life all the same, his parents made a decision: Xia Zhiyuan would drive long-haul trucks out of town to earn money, while Li Ruling would stay locally, take care of the child, and do the occasional piecework job by hand.
Driving trucks meant he couldn’t come home often. The family only saw each other once every half a year.
At that time, phones didn’t have video calls yet.
So Xia Fengsheng’s impression of his father was simply a voice coming from the receiver.
At that time Xia Fengsheng was still just a little white dumpling. He had been pale since childhood. Hugging the phone, barely able to speak, he could still babble away with Xia Zhiyuan for a long time.
Gradually, with the long separation, the hearts of the husband and wife drifted farther and farther apart.
Time washed away the joy of having a child.
The love they had once shared when together disappeared.
The days of supporting each other were thrown behind them.
Their hearts changed.
Xia Zhiyuan got involved with a supermarket owner’s wife.
Li Ruling got involved with an appliance repairman.
When the affair came to light, the husband and wife had a huge fight, each accusing the other of being licentious and disgusting.
The wedding photo hanging on the wall and the two people in the living room screaming abuse at each other looked like they belonged to completely different lives.
“I bust my ass out there driving trucks, and you go out and find some wild man behind my back! You filthy whore!”
“And what the fuck are you then, if I’m a whore? Haven’t you done all the same dirty, rotten things? What right do you have to blame me? You think you still have any face left?”
They fought physically too.
That night, they smashed everything in the house that could be smashed.
The child’s crying was deafening. The neighbors all came out to watch the commotion.
Xia Zhiyuan shouted, “It’s all because of your precious son. I’m telling you, if it weren’t for him, I’d have divorced you ages ago.”
Li Ruling screamed back, “Was he born by me alone? What do you mean my precious son? Isn’t he your son too?”
The little Xia Fengsheng cried himself hoarse, tugging at his parents’ trouser legs. “Dad! Mom! No… no!”
Don’t fight, don’t fight.
He didn’t know why his parents were arguing. Still just a child, he had no idea what had happened in the world of adults. He only knew that his father and mother were fighting, and the tiny world that belonged to him had collapsed.
He was terrified, but he didn’t shrink back. He forced himself between the two adults struggling with each other, wanting to wrap his arms tightly around them both.
Instead, he was flung away hard, the back of his head smashing against the floor. The pain was enormous, and the child burst into a heart-wrenching cry, but no one paid him any attention.
“Ahhhhhh!!!!! Mommy, Daddy!”
“Daddy, Mommy, I’m scared.”
“Mommy, baby hurts, Daddy… wuwu…”
Xia Fengsheng bit his lip and covered his head as he pitifully crawled back up. His little body shook from the pain, but the moment he saw his parents still fighting, he forgot the pain again and rushed forward once more, trying to pull them apart.
With one tiny hand gripping one parent and the other gripping the other, no matter how hard he pulled, he could not separate them.
“Don’t fight!! Daddy, Mommy, I love you!”
That day, the police came to their home, and only then did the terror stop.
Little Xia Fengsheng held his head, but when he saw that his father and mother were no longer fighting, he became happy again.
“Daddy and Mommy are good, baby loves you.”
Three-year-old Xia Fengsheng was very clever. At an age when many children still spoke unclearly, he could already say many things.
He kept praising his father and mother, saying he loved them.
After that…
his father and mother got divorced.
As if they were trying to spite each other, Xia Zhiyuan and Li Ruling fought madly over custody of Xia Fengsheng.
Both sides were unwilling to yield, so the matter ended up in court, where the judge awarded the child to Xia Zhiyuan.
Li Ruling refused to accept it. Xia Zhiyuan was always away driving trucks. He had no idea how to raise a child. It was unfair to award the child to him.
But the court rejected Li Ruling’s appeal and gave her no chance to reverse the ruling.
One night, very late, Li Ruling sneaked back and picked up the sleeping Xia Fengsheng, intending to run away with him.
But Xia Zhiyuan caught up halfway and forcibly snatched Xia Fengsheng back.
Li Ruling, crying so hard that snot and tears ran together, clung to Xia Fengsheng’s lotus-root-like little arms and refused to let go. “My child! Why won’t you give him to me?!”
“He’s my child! I gave birth to him! I was in the delivery room for a whole day before I brought him into this world!”
Looking at Li Ruling’s tear-filled eyes, Xia Zhiyuan looked almost triumphant, as if savoring her pain, as if he were the final victor.
After that, Xia Fengsheng never saw Li Ruling again.
Day after day passed.
By the time Xia Fengsheng reached school age and money was needed, Xia Zhiyuan had become a drunk.
Whenever he had no money, he’d go drive trucks for a few months. When he had money, he’d go right back to drinking.
The money Xia Fengsheng could use came in fits and starts. Sometimes he couldn’t even pay his tuition.
“Money-losing bastard.”
Xia Zhiyuan’s feelings toward Xia Fengsheng grew more and more hateful. Looking at him was like looking at Li Ruling all over again.
Children were the most sensitive to emotion.
Xia Fengsheng knew Xia Zhiyuan didn’t like him. Under the same roof, the number of times father and son spoke could be counted on one hand.
Once he reached middle school, Xia Fengsheng stopped asking Xia Zhiyuan for money. He began taking odd jobs to earn his own, barely scraping together enough for food.
Until one day, the money he had stored in his piggy bank disappeared without a trace, while on the coffee table in the house there appeared a stack of lottery tickets, all scratched, none winning.
That had been Xia Fengsheng’s tuition money.
Holding the empty piggy bank, Xia Fengsheng demanded, “What gives you the right to take my money?”
“My taking your money?” Xia Zhiyuan pressed a cigarette into the ashtray. “This whole damn house belongs to me. I haven’t even started counting how much money I’ve spent on you since you were born!”
Xia Zhiyuan stood up from the sofa and walked over, slapping Xia Fengsheng on the head over and over, venting all the fury of losing the lottery onto him.
“Money-losing bastard! If it weren’t for you, I’d have been living the high life by now!”
“It’s all your fault and your slut mother’s fault!”
One slap after another.
The more Xia Zhiyuan shouted, the angrier he became, until his face twisted and his yellowish eyes hardened. Then, like thunder, he sent a huge slap crashing across Xia Fengsheng’s face.
Xia Fengsheng’s ears rang for a moment, the muscles in his face twitching. He stood rigidly staring at the floor, then slowly raised his sinister-looking face and struck back without hesitation.
That day, the already shattered relationship between father and son completely broke apart.
Neighbors came to try and stop them. In the end it caused such a disturbance that the police had to come again.
From that day on, Xia Zhiyuan never gave Xia Fengsheng another cent.
And Xia Fengsheng never opened his mouth to ask again.
Every morning he went to school.
Every afternoon he worked odd jobs after class.
Whenever people messed with him, he fought them directly. It was the fastest way to settle trouble. Beat them until they were scared, and no one would come bother him again.
Long-term fighting gradually made Xia Fengsheng’s frame stronger and stronger. The viciousness of the way he struck gave no hint at all of the weak, sickly child he had been.
No one had ever taught him how to like someone.
When Xia Zhiyuan and Li Ruling had loved each other most, he had been too young to remember it.
So when it came to how to express liking toward Shi Ye, Xia Fengsheng had tried every method he could think of, but…
none of it seemed to work.
Looking at Xia Fengsheng standing there air-shooting a basketball in front of him—
Shi Ye grabbed the arm he had just raised to “shoot.” “Who taught you to be like this?”
Xia Fengsheng’s gaze lingered for two seconds on the hand gripping his arm, then he asked very seriously, “Can’t you feel it?”
Shi Ye looked faintly puzzled. “Feel what?”
“That I like you.”
Xia Fengsheng jumped up again, preparing to shoot a three-pointer.
Shi Ye’s hand flashed out and yanked him down like a kite with its string cut, his temples pounding.
Who—
Who exactly had taught Xia Fengsheng to do fake air basketball? Even the whole gloomy style had changed.
The words squeezed out of Shi Ye’s mouth: “How is any of this supposed to be showing that you like me?”
Anyone who didn’t know better would think it was a provocation.
Shi Ye released his hand. His whole demeanor turned cold, as though air-conditioning had switched on around him. If a penguin ever left Antarctica, it could probably survive leaning against Shi Ye.
Shi Ye said, “I advise you not to keep doing these useless things.”
Xia Fengsheng stood there with his schoolbag on. “But didn’t you say you couldn’t feel that I like you?”
Shi Ye looked at him coldly. “And this way I still can’t feel it. No matter what you do, I won’t feel it, because I don’t want to feel it in the first place.”
They were only together because Xia Fengsheng had threatened him.
And Shi Ye hated being threatened more than anything.
Even if he had once thought about becoming friends with Xia Fengsheng, all of that had vanished now.
He wasn’t even gay to begin with, yet because of Xia Fengsheng’s threat, he was being forced into a relationship with him.
How were two men supposed to be together? How were they supposed to date?
Shi Ye found it incomprehensible and thought the whole thing was abnormal.
“Anyway, stop doing stuff like this in the future. I don’t like it. No matter what you do, I won’t like it.”
The “don’t like it” was said on purpose for Xia Fengsheng to hear. He couldn’t break up, so at least he could enjoy himself through his mouth.
Gradually, Xia Fengsheng went quiet.
Shi Ye lowered his head to look at him. “Why aren’t you…” saying anything?
Xia Fengsheng was standing there with his head bowed, pale fingers rubbing against the hem of his school uniform. Shi Ye’s words had clearly left the boy at a loss. He kept his head lowered, showing only the swirl of hair at his crown.
Thick lashes drooped down. His watery-red lips seemed about to press together, then puffed out a little, as though he were unhappy and wronged, a faint pout forming.
Xia Fengsheng was rarely this obedient.
Every time he appeared, it was either because he was fighting someone or because he had done something wrong again and was up on stage reading a self-criticism. Other people never got to see the obedient side of him.
Now he stood at attention right in front of him, head down, not saying a word, and Shi Ye suddenly didn’t know what to do.
Had what he just said been too harsh?
Shi Ye, you really have no class. Why couldn’t you just say it properly?
Shi Ye’s throat tightened. At a loss, he clawed irritably through his own hair.
“I… um…”
Xia Fengsheng looked up.
Shi Ye met those glossy black eyes and softened his tone as much as he could. “Don’t be upse—”
Before he could finish, Xia Fengsheng suddenly puckered his lips and planted a kiss directly on Shi Ye’s face.
Shi Ye’s pupils shrank.
“You!!!!”
Everything happened far too suddenly. Before Shi Ye could react, Xia Fengsheng had already kissed his cheek.
He slapped a hand over the place Xia Fengsheng had kissed, his face heating red on the spot.
So the pout hadn’t been because Xia Fengsheng felt wronged—it had been because he wanted to kiss him!
Shi Ye breathed hard, blushing all over as if he’d had an allergic reaction, unable to get a single word out.
His cheek-kiss!
Watching his face flush rapidly, Xia Fengsheng leaned closer and asked, “Can you feel that I like you now?”
The first time Shi Ye had said he couldn’t feel it, Xia Fengsheng had started thinking.
Why couldn’t he feel it? Other classmates all behaved that way around the people they liked. Was Shi Ye emotionally dull?
Very quickly, he thought back to the romance drama that used to play on the TV in the barbecue restaurant where he worked.
The owner’s wife loved watching those dramas. Whenever the restaurant wasn’t busy, the public TV would be switched over to one of her favorites.
In it, the male lead liked the female lead, and when he expressed it, he kissed her on the cheek.
The female lead blushed, and then they got together.
The feeling of Xia Fengsheng’s lips still hadn’t disappeared. It was as if his lips were still pressed to Shi Ye’s face—soft, damp, a little cool, like jelly, lingering there against his skin.
Shi Ye’s heart thundered. “You… you…”
When it came to forcing love, Xia Fengsheng had strength and methods in abundance.
“You just wait for me!”
After throwing down that line, Shi Ye ran off clutching his face. The setting sun painted his ears a bright scarlet.
“Sorry to disturb you, Teacher He.”
He Yu stood at the door with his arms folded, his tall figure framed there. “It’s nothing. Come in.”
The people from the TV station nodded and bowed at him, slipped on shoe covers, and walked into the shabby old apartment full of homesickness.
He Yu was the country’s principal ballet dancer. Although he was on sick leave and no longer appeared on stage, his achievements and glory were still unmatched to this day.
There was no end to the number of people who wanted to interview him. Every few days, reporters and paparazzi would crouch downstairs outside his home, hoping to catch some little fragment of his private life.
These days, He Yu rarely appeared in public, and any photos that were taken would be quickly handled by his team. Trying to get any news about him was nearly impossible.
Securing the chance to interview him was even harder than climbing a mountain of knives and diving into a sea of oil.
The reporter moved carefully in every possible way, terrified of ruining the opportunity.
An exclusive interview.
The reporter looked around at the place where He Yu lived, astonished that such a great artist would live in a place this humble. He Yu was an internationally renowned dancer, someone who had left a bold, brilliant mark on the world stage.
Dancers who wanted to study under him needed two things.
First, talent.
Second, astronomical fees.
Even if He Yu merely let a little spill through his fingers, what luxurious cars or houses could he not have? Or were great artists really just this plain in private?
The reporter had absolutely no suspicion that He Yu was putting on a performance. Paparazzi had already snapped him plenty of times before, and He Yu really did live in this crumbling old apartment building with no elevator, the stairwell full of dust and muddy water.
The reporter laughed awkwardly. “I never expected Teacher He’s living place to be so down-to-earth.”
He Yu said, “Though this is a humble room, my virtue makes it fragrant.”
The reporter nodded vigorously. “Yes, yes, yes, of course. Wherever you are, Teacher He, there will always be brilliance.”
He Yu glanced at him and said nothing. Clearly, what he had said, the reporter didn’t understand, and what the reporter said had nothing to do with what he meant.
The mystery of He Yu’s illness had always remained just that—a mystery.
Some people had photographed him one day still talking and laughing in the circles of fame and profit, then the very next day it was as though he had become a different person altogether, directly announcing an indefinite withdrawal from the stage and a return home to recuperate from illness.
Yet now, he looked no different from before. There was no trace of illness visible at all.
And yet the medicine jars on the coffee table seemed to tell a different story—one of serious sickness.
The reporter asked with concern, “Teacher He, how has your health been lately?”
He Yu smiled. “Very well. I’m recovering.”
The reporter continued, “You look to be in good spirits, Teacher He. Have you thought about returning to the stage in the near future?”
“Not for now.”
“The last time the public saw you appear openly was in the audience at your student’s ballet performance. Teacher He, you must be very satisfied with your student, right?”
He Yu was extremely strict in choosing students. The only one he was seriously teaching now was Shi Ye.
He nodded. “Yes. He has a great deal of talent for dance.”
The reporter asked, “Would we be able to meet him?”
He Yu didn’t mind praising Shi Ye to the outside world. “Yes. It just so happens we have class tonight.”
So the group left the old apartment building and went together to the rental space He Yu used as a dance studio.
Compared to the ordinary exterior, the inside was luxuriously finished. The materials used in the facilities were the best and most sturdy. Every piece of equipment that could possibly be needed was there.
At this hour, Shi Ye should have just gotten out of school.
He Yu said, “He’ll be here soon.”
While waiting, the reporter chatted with He Yu. “We’ve heard that your student is still in high school. May I ask how he balances dance and regular academics?”
At Shi Ye’s age, kids walking the dance path usually already attended dance conservatories.
But Shi Ye hadn’t.
Instead, like most kids his age, he was attending an ordinary high school.
That had been his own choice.
Shi Ye had always had a strong sense of self since childhood. He planned things for himself.
His parents respected him greatly and let everything follow his own wishes. He didn’t need anyone else pointing out the way for him. Only by experiencing things personally and making his own mistakes could he arrive at answers, and only that would let him understand the road ahead more clearly.
Even if he made a wrong choice, his family would always be there to catch him.
His background guaranteed that he would never in his life be troubled by anything or left regretting.
“He doesn’t need to balance anything. Shi Ye does everything well. He’s excellent at dance, and his academic grades are equally outstanding.” He Yu smiled. “That child is very smart.”
Right on cue, Shi Ye arrived after school.
He Yu stood inside the dance studio and beckoned to him.
The clever Shi Ye quickened his pace the moment he saw his teacher—
and then walked headfirst into the glass door.
Bang—
He Yu: ……
