Li Xuan had never thought of himself as someone who habitually avoided conflict; after all, he had rarely faced any real challenges growing up.
If Su Xingchuan’s mother hadn’t appeared, Li Xuan would have confidently believed he was fearless.
Seven years ago, during winter break, Li Xuan and Su Xingchuan spent a sweet New Year’s Day together before returning to their respective homes.
Back home, Li Xuan felt incredibly bored, sighing and complaining all day. He was so bored it felt suffocating. He had grown accustomed to being around Su Xingchuan, to having him by his side every moment. Lying in bed, he suddenly missed Su Xingchuan terribly.
So, he made a bold decision.
He took a bus to visit Su Xingchuan at his home.
It was snowing heavily that day. Snowflakes fell from the sky as Li Xuan followed the directions on his phone to find Su Xingchuan’s house. He had deliberately not told him, wanting to give him a surprise.
It wasn’t until he was downstairs that he called Su Xingchuan. With a bright smile, he was ready to tease, “Su! Xing! Chuan! Guess where I am? I’m right outside your building!”
But an unfamiliar voice answered on the other end.
“This is Xingchuan’s mother.”
Li Xuan’s smile froze.
“You’re downstairs, aren’t you? I’ll come down now.”
A few minutes later, Li Xuan saw a woman in a black-and-white checkered down jacket walking toward him. He immediately recognized her as Su Xingchuan’s mother, as their facial features were quite similar.
At the time, He Ning hadn’t retired yet; she was working as an accountant at a construction company. She walked up to Li Xuan, her expression far from welcoming.
Li Xuan wasn’t a child who knew much about etiquette. He stared blankly at He Ning before remembering to say, “Hello, Auntie.”
It seemed she already knew who he was.
The snow was thick, nearly reaching Li Xuan’s ankles, and he felt cold. He thought to himself, *Tonight, I’ll have Xingchuan warm my feet, and I’ll use his abs to warm my hands.*
He Ning got straight to the point: “I saw your messages with Xingchuan. You two are in a relationship, aren’t you?”
Li Xuan nodded, still in a daze.
“You’re gay?”
Li Xuan obediently nodded.
Every day afterward, Li Xuan regretted that moment. He thought he was too naive, foolish even. Because his parents had reluctantly accepted his orientation, he assumed all parents were like that. He constantly wondered if things might have turned out differently if he hadn’t nodded then.
But at that time, he could only nod obediently. As soon as he did, he saw a look of disgust fill He Ning’s eyes.
“Xingchuan isn’t gay. I know my son. When he was in middle school, he received love letters from girls and happily told me about it. So, I’m sure he’s not gay.”
“You’re the one who changed him!” He Ning said through gritted teeth.
The color drained from Li Xuan’s face.
He had no way to refute her.
“Li Xuan, I’ll call you that.”
Because of the cold, He Ning’s voice trembled slightly, but her attitude was firm. “I know parents shouldn’t interfere with their children’s relationships, but in this case, I have to step in. I don’t approve of your relationship, whether it’s just for fun or if it’s genuine—I don’t allow it!”
“I don’t understand your kind. I think it’s a psychological disorder. How could you like a man? It’s disgusting. I don’t want my son to get sick, so please stay away from him. Don’t pass any of those filthy diseases onto him!”
Li Xuan was so frightened he stood there frozen. “I—”
He Ning’s emotions spiraled out of control. Her mind was filled with the messages she had accidentally seen on Su Xingchuan’s phone a few days earlier—Li Xuan asking when he would come to the hotel.
She had also gone through her son’s photo album and found pictures of Li Xuan, even some of him sleeping.
He Ning had staggered back, bumping into the cabinet. She couldn’t believe it, nor did she want to. When this boy named Li Xuan showed up the next day, she knew she had to do something.
She couldn’t just let it be.
Furious, she said, “End it however you must, but do it quickly! If you want to see my family fall apart, to see us in turmoil because of you, if you want me to die in anguish, then go ahead and stay with him!”
*Disgusting, turmoil, die in anguish.*
Every word felt alien and terrifying to the twenty-year-old Li Xuan.
He was just in love with Su Xingchuan; why would it make his mother die in anguish? Li Xuan couldn’t understand, and his heart pounded in his throat. His whole body hurt.
He trembled as he asked, “Auntie, what if Xingchuan never likes girls?”
He Ning exploded in anger, her eyes bloodshot as she pointed at him. “I’ve never seen anyone as shameless as you! At such a young age, doing such disgusting things. I couldn’t even read those messages you sent him. Please, stay away from him!”
Li Xuan opened his mouth but couldn’t speak.
His entire body was shaking. He had never been scolded like this before; it was the first time he felt like a bad person.
“I can accept him not getting married or having children, but I can’t accept him liking men—never in this lifetime!”
Li Xuan felt despair.
“Xingchuan is a filial child. If you want to see him torn between family and love, if you want me to die hating you, you can call him down and pretend this conversation never happened.”
Tears streamed down Li Xuan’s face.
At that moment, he felt hopeless and scared. He cried silently inside, helplessly thinking, Xingchuan, what should I do?
“If you have any sense, leave now.” That was the last thing He Ning said to Li Xuan.
That night, Li Xuan, holding a large gift box, walked through the snow that covered his ankles and left Su Xingchuan’s home. Later, he broke up with him but couldn’t bring himself to explain why.
He grew up overnight.
He hated himself for being childish, weak, and clueless. If he had been a bit smarter, more articulate, more adaptable, and knew to deceive and stall for time so he could think things through with Su Xingchuan, maybe his mother wouldn’t have been so angry.
But he was too scared then and just wanted to run away.
It was his fault.
The shadow He Ning cast over Li Xuan’s mind loomed over him for the next seven years, so much so that even when he went abroad, he instinctively avoided conversations about homosexuality. He was afraid of hearing others’ judgment.
He thought he would gradually forget and use his current maturity to make up for his past naivety, but seven years later, facing He Ning again, he found himself frozen, his lips moving, but no words coming out.
“What are you doing here?”
He Ning walked toward him.
Her hair had more gray, and her face had more wrinkles, but she didn’t look frail. When she furrowed her brows, she still carried the same intimidating authority that terrified Li Xuan.
She glanced up at the building’s sign, her expression changing as she raised her voice. “Why are you here? Don’t tell me you’re back with him!”
Li Xuan wanted to flee again.
He instinctively took a step back and stammered, “I’m not…”
“Then why are you here?”
Li Xuan stammered, unable to speak.
He had so much he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her that he and Su Xingchuan truly loved each other, that even after seven years, they still missed each other, and that no one was more suited for each other than they were. He wanted to say that he had matured, that he wasn’t as childish as before, that he wouldn’t just take advantage of Xingchuan’s care—that they could support each other like a normal married couple and grow old together.
But looking at He Ning’s face, he couldn’t say a word. He even found himself thinking of his uncle and his mother, wishing for someone else to step in, like a child unable to make his own decisions.
He felt pathetic.
“Mom?”
Su Xingchuan’s voice broke the tense silence between Li Xuan and He Ning.
He had decided to go see Li Xuan after their call, but when he came downstairs, he saw Li Xuan and his mother facing each other.
He walked over, about to introduce them when He Ning coldly questioned, “Xingchuan, are you back together with him?”
He Ning had seen photos of him and Li Xuan together before. At the time, she had said nothing, so Su Xingchuan thought his mother was more accepting than most parents. He figured it would be a good opportunity for Li Xuan to meet her.
Before he could say anything, He Ning scolded, “You’ve disappointed me!”
He was stunned, and Li Xuan retreated in fear.
Li Xuan turned and fled.
Su Xingchuan tried to grab him, but He Ning pulled him back.
“Why are you doing this?” she asked tearfully.
Su Xingchuan was bewildered. His normally gentle mother was like an
enraged lioness. He had never seen such a fierce expression on her face. As her words sank in, he began to understand.
Had she known all along? She even knew Li Xuan’s name and kept mentioning “seven years ago.” And Li Xuan’s pale face, his fearful escape—it all seemed to confirm his suspicions.
“Did you meet with him?”
He Ning paused abruptly.
Her silence revealed everything. Su Xingchuan felt his blood freeze. Grabbing his mother’s arm, he asked incredulously, “Did you meet with him? What did you say to him?”
He Ning avoided his gaze.
“So that’s why he broke up with me.”
“Yes! I met him, so what? You were still in school; I didn’t want to disrupt your life!”
Unable to control his emotions, he shouted, “What did you say to him? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you discuss it with me? You didn’t want to disrupt my life, so you disrupted his? He’s also someone’s child, cherished and loved!”
“What could I do? I didn’t want him to ruin you.”
Pain surged through him, leaving him almost speechless.
What had Li Xuan gone through at twenty? What kind of burden had he carried that made him disappear from his life without a word?
He gripped his mother’s arm, enunciating every word: “Mom, let me tell you, I didn’t become gay because of him. I fell for him first.”
He Ning said, “That’s impossible.”
“Before I met him, I never had feelings for any girl. But the moment I saw him, I couldn’t look away.”
Her face turned ashen. “You’ve always been such a good boy. Don’t say things like that. Xingchuan, you just haven’t met the right girl yet. Listen to me, and cut ties with him—”
His voice cracked as he said, “Whether you believe it or not, that’s the truth. I was the one who wanted to be with him. I initiated everything. I love him—so much that I’ve made up my mind about him for life.”
He Ning grabbed his coat. “Xingchuan!”
“I need to find him now. I have to find him,” he said to his mother. “Mom, I’ve been waiting for him for seven years.”
.
Su Xingchuan called Li Xuan, but there was no answer.
He was frantic with worry.
Just hours ago, he had told Li Xuan over the phone that he wished for him to live a smooth and happy life, without obstacles. He hadn’t realized that the first obstacle in Li Xuan’s life, seven years ago, had been caused by him.
Li Xuan, who was so sensitive and quick to cry, would pout for ages if he was spoken to harshly.
How could he have endured such harsh words from a mother?
For seven years, he had speculated countless times about why they had broken up, but he had never considered that he might have been the reason. Otherwise, why would Li Xuan, who had sweetly talked about setting off fireworks together for New Year’s, suddenly ask for a breakup?
When they broke up, Li Xuan had cried, saying, “I can’t.”
He should have realized something was wrong.
He kept calling Li Xuan, but there was still no answer.
He searched the area, but there was no sign of Li Xuan. He figured he must have gone home, but he didn’t know his address. After thinking it over, he called Xu Zhengdong’s driver, using the excuse of needing to deliver documents to get the address of the Xu family’s old house.
As soon as he got the address, he drove there.
The gated community didn’t allow outside vehicles, so he parked on the roadside and walked in.
His steps were all over the place.
He knew Li Xuan must be heartbroken and scared.
He had finally gotten Li Xuan to say he missed him, and after waiting for seven years, he had finally seen hope. He couldn’t let it end like this. He had to find him. Even if it meant losing all his dignity, he was determined to get Li Xuan back.
As he walked, he suddenly spotted a familiar figure.
It was Li Xuan.
Li Xuan was running with his arms full of items, and in his haste, he tripped, falling forward and sprawling on the ground, scattering everything he was carrying.
Su Xingchuan rushed over to help him up.
He grabbed Li Xuan’s wrist, anxiously asking, “Are you hurt? Does your elbow or knee hurt?”
Li Xuan stared at him, momentarily stunned, before quickly picking up the scattered items. “Is your mom gone?”
“What?”
“I want to see her.”
“There’s no need, Xuan. I’ll handle my mom.”
But Li Xuan looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears, and stubbornly said, “I want to do it myself.”
Heart aching, Su Xingchuan pulled him into an embrace.
“I’m sorry. I won’t run away this time. I just came back to get my things,” Li Xuan said as he gathered the scattered documents, his voice choked with sobs. “These are my certificates, my diplomas, my medical license and practice certificate, the award I won last year, my health report. I’ve been living a serious life all these years.”
Su Xingchuan watched him, dazed.
Li Xuan’s face hadn’t changed much; he still had that tearful, pitiful look that made one’s heart ache. But for the first time, Su Xingchuan could clearly see that Li Xuan had truly grown up.
Li Xuan cried as he said, “I want to tell your mom that I don’t have any filthy diseases, and I’m not a bad person. I just like you.”
