Li Xuan still looked confused.
Su Xingchuan stared at him, asking, “Why did you send me porridge under a girl’s name?”
Li Xuan hadn’t expected Su to guess so quickly. Surprised and pleased, he replied softly, “My uncle said that doing so wouldn’t affect your reputation and would show you more respect.”
“So, you knew you weren’t respecting me before?”
Li Xuan lowered his head, looking pitiful.
“Protect my reputation…” Su Xingchuan’s expression became complicated. “So, you think being gay affects reputation?”
“I don’t think so, but my uncle said not everyone thinks like I do,” Li Xuan responded earnestly.
Su Xingchuan looked at Li Xuan as if seeing him for the first time, his eyes deep and searching. Li Xuan asked, “Is your fever getting better?”
Su Xingchuan remained silent.
Li Xuan looked at the people passing by near the dormitory building, then took a step back and said, “I was really worried about you.”
Su Xingchuan almost felt touched.
Then Li Xuan added, “I wish we lived together.”
“…”
Li Xuan must have run around several stores; his breath was still a bit uneven, and his cheeks were slightly red, his hair a little messy. His eyes sparkled as he looked up, so bright they were almost unreal. Su Xingchuan stared, momentarily dazed. Sometimes, Li Xuan really did look like a kitten.
A purebred ragdoll kitten, to be precise.
Su Xingchuan’s gaze fell to Li Xuan’s lips.
Li Xuan noticed Su Xingchuan’s look, first pressing his lips together, then relaxing them. His lips parted, and Su Xingchuan heard him ask, “Do you want to kiss me?”
Su Xingchuan snapped out of it.
Like he had seen a ghost, his expression changed abruptly.
“No, of course not.”
Li Xuan snorted softly.
Su Xingchuan averted his gaze, his tone cold. “Thanks for the porridge, but you don’t need to bring it anymore. I’m almost over my cold.”
The light in Li Xuan’s eyes slowly dimmed.
“Then I’ll go,” Li Xuan said, glancing back at Su Xingchuan before adding softly, “Rest well.”
Su Xingchuan couldn’t describe how he felt.
A dull ache, heavy and swelling.
He watched Li Xuan walk further and further away, and his mind suddenly replayed Li Xuan’s words—“I wish we lived together.”
Su Xingchuan shivered, scolding himself for entertaining such thoughts.
Li Xuan was dangerous; he had only been around for half a month, and Su Xingchuan’s emotions were already in disarray. Twenty years of firm heterosexuality were suddenly wavering. He even began to doubt himself. It shouldn’t change… right?
How could it change so easily?
Back in his room, Su Xingchuan ate the porridge.
The aroma of the plain porridge slowly calmed his restless heart. While eating, he thought about it and transferred money to Li Xuan.
He sent fifty.
Li Xuan declined it.
This time, Li Xuan didn’t send an “I hate you” message, and for the first time, Su Xingchuan wished he had.
Sometimes, Su Xingchuan found himself conflicted; he wanted Li Xuan to give up on him but didn’t want to see him hurt.
He waited the whole night without a message from Li Xuan.
Li Xuan really doesn’t know how to pursue someone, he thought.
But that night, just past midnight, he finally received a message from Li Xuan.
Cat: [Goodnight.]
Su Xingchuan blinked and scrolled up through their chat history.
He counted. Sure enough, Li Xuan had sent him ten messages yesterday, so tonight’s goodnight was delayed until after midnight.
Su Xingchuan couldn’t help but laugh—who had made the rule about ten messages a day?
But looking at the words “Goodnight,” Su Xingchuan felt a sense of relief. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved that Li Xuan hadn’t given up or that he wasn’t sad.
In any case, he immediately replied: [Goodnight.]
Below the message, the words “The other person is typing…” appeared frequently. Su Xingchuan guessed that Li Xuan was likely typing and retyping his message. A few minutes later, Li Xuan’s message finally came through.
Cat: [Goodnight.]
Su Xingchuan burst out laughing.
After all that time… and this is it?
His roommate, fresh from washing his face, heard Su Xingchuan’s laughter and asked curiously, “What’s so funny?”
Su Xingchuan shifted positions on his bed. “Just an idiot.”
.
.
Su Xingchuan’s fever lasted only one night. Fortunately, he exercised regularly and was in good shape. Despite the severity, his youth and health helped him recover quickly after taking medicine and drinking plenty of water. By the next day, he felt refreshed again.
Sophomore year had the most courses. Su Xingchuan had just left a lecture on probability theory and bought a can of soda from the vending machine before hurrying to his international finance class.
With only two minutes before class, he found a seat, but before he could take out his books, someone sat beside him.
That familiar scent, that familiar feeling.
He turned, and sure enough, there was Li Xuan.
Li Xuan wore a black short-sleeved shirt similar to Su Xingchuan’s, his slender arms hanging loosely in the sleeves. He blinked at Su Xingchuan, casually pulling out a book on international finance from his backpack and announcing, “I’m here to audit.”
“…Young master, how did you find me?”
“I asked your classmates.”
“You asked?” Su Xingchuan doubted Li Xuan would go to the trouble of asking strangers for information. “I paid someone.”
Su Xingchuan sighed, shaking his head. “What else did you find out?”
Li Xuan, looking serious, said, “Your schedule and GPA ranking. Your grades are excellent; I’m very satisfied.”
Su Xingchuan raised an eyebrow. “You’ve invaded my privacy. The law school is right next door—I should report you.”
Li Xuan extended his hands to Su Xingchuan as if expecting to be handcuffed.
Su Xingchuan, imagining something, cleared his throat and gently pushed Li Xuan’s hands away, whispering, “It’s been half a month, and you’re still bandaged up. People might think you’ve broken a bone.”
Li Xuan placed his bandaged hand in Su Xingchuan’s.
Su Xingchuan pretended to untie the bow on his bandage, but Li Xuan quickly stuffed his hand into his pocket, refusing to let Su Xingchuan touch it.
Su Xingchuan chuckled softly and opened his laptop.
As the lecturer entered the room, Li Xuan behaved himself, flipping through the pages of his international finance book without bothering Su Xingchuan, quietly reading page by page.
Su Xingchuan initially found him annoying, but soon realized it was him who kept glancing at Li Xuan, observing his every move. In contrast, Li Xuan remained focused. He seemed genuinely interested in international finance, reading attentively while the surrounding students dozed off, getting through to page forty-two.
When the class bell rang, Li Xuan leaned over to check Su Xingchuan’s page number and grinned. “You’re not even as fast as me!”
When he didn’t smile, he looked like a cold porcelain doll. But when he did, all that coldness melted, making him seem much more adorable.
Su Xingchuan once again found himself unable to look away.
“I find this quite interesting,” Li Xuan said, pointing to the chapter on “Balance of Payments.”
He took charge, explaining the topic to Su Xingchuan, and even though several students glanced over, Su Xingchuan wasn’t bothered. Normally, he disliked being the center of attention, but seeing Li Xuan’s indifferent expression, he found that he didn’t care either.
Li Xuan rubbed his stomach, “I’m hungry.”
Su Xingchuan rummaged through his bag, handing him a packet of sesame cookies. “Have some of these.”
Li Xuan pouted. “I don’t like sesame flavor.”
Su Xingchuan should have told him, “Take it or leave it,” but instead, he asked, “What flavor do you like?”
“Milk and cheese.”
Li Xuan, ever the opportunist, quickly responded.
Su Xingchuan teased, “Sweet things can cause breakouts.”
Li Xuan shook his head, swinging his legs proudly. “I’ve never had a pimple in my life. My skin’s great.”
Su Xingchuan’s gaze shifted from the cookie in Li Xuan’s hand to his face, and his Adam’s apple bobbed unconsciously.
It really did look good.
Smooth and delicate, with a rosy glow.
Stop—
Su Xingchuan quickly looked away, sitting up straight to face the front. He caught Yu Qinglan’s teasing smirk in the front row. His expression stiffened, and just as he was about to explain, Li Xuan lifted his bandaged hand, tapping it against Su Xingchuan’s arm.
“Don’t look at him,” Li Xuan pouted.
“…We’re childhood friends.”
“That makes it even more off-limits!”
Su Xingchuan realized how pushy Li Xuan could be. “Why? You’re not even my boyfriend.”
Li Xuan pouted, but Su Xingchuan wasn’t buying it. “Pouting won’t work—I don’t like guys.”
Li Xuan threw the cookies back at Su Xingchuan, turning away to continue reading.
It was the first time Su Xingchuan had seen Li Xuan upset, and he panicked a bit. Rubbing his forehead, he ignored Yu Qinglan’s increasingly knowing look from the front and reached out, patting Li Xuan’s shoulder.
“Aren’t you going to eat the cookies? If you won’t, I will.”
He opened the packet.
Li Xuan ignored him.
At that time, Su Xingchuan didn’t know how to comfort Li Xuan. All he could do was sit there awkwardly, occasionally clearing his throat. Li Xuan, feeling Su Xingchuan’s attempts to get his attention, slowly turned back around, reaching out for the cookies. “Give them to me.”
Su Xingchuan placed the sesame cookies in his hand.
Li Xuan took a bite. “They’re not bad.”
Su Xingchuan avoided looking at Li Xuan’s squirrel-like, puffed cheeks, keeping his eyes elsewhere and pretending to be calm as he continued his lecture.
A few minutes later, Su Xingchuan received a message from Yu Qinglan: [Don’t worry, I’ve told the junior not to expect anything from a guy who finds men cute.]
…What is he talking about?
Su Xingchuan felt his head ache.
When the bell rang, Li Xuan followed him to the cafeteria.
The cafeteria’s options were still plentiful that evening. Li Xuan wandered around the small dishes section for a while, eventually finding something he liked.
Su Xingchuan, though annoyed, saved him a seat and got him utensils.
But the chopsticks went unused.
This time, Su Xingchuan was the one feeding him.
For the first time, they didn’t argue about it. Li Xuan seemed a bit uncomfortable, swinging his legs for a while before realizing it might be the last time. Halfway through, he took the spoon himself, acting obedient. “Actually, my hand’s fine. I can eat on my own from now on.”
Su Xingchuan looked at his now-empty palm.
Somehow, he felt a bit disappointed.
After leaving the cafeteria, Li Xuan walked with Su Xingchuan to the dorm building. Before Su Xingchuan could head upstairs, Li Xuan said, “Can you help me unwrap this?” He held out his right hand.
He didn’t need to act pitiful anymore.
“Why the sudden need?”
“For showering—it’s a hassle.”
Su Xingchuan led him to the bike racks, using the streetlight to unwrap the bandage on Li Xuan’s hand.
Being so close made Su Xingchuan uneasy. When he looked up, he found Li Xuan staring right back, then pouting.
“Can I kiss you?” Li Xuan asked.
Su Xingchuan didn’t flinch this time. Keeping his emotions in check, he refused, “No.”
Then he added, “Kissing on the cheek isn’t allowed either.”
Li Xuan replied with a soft “Oh,” not pushing the matter further.
Round and round, Su Xingchuan unraveled the bandage.
Li Xuan’s right hand was finally free, the thin scar on the back already healing. He spread his hand out for Su Xingchuan to see.
“Who wants to look at your paw?”
Li Xuan pouted, “You’re so mean to me. You’re so nice to your classmates and those basketball players.”
Su Xingchuan was speechless.
Is this playing the victim?
He replied with a stern face, “Those people didn’t kiss me.”
Li Xuan retorted, “Kissing on the cheek doesn’t count—it’s not like I kissed your lips.”
When he talked, he unconsciously pouted, and his lips looked soft and pink, blurring in and out of focus for Su Xingchuan.
Feeling embarrassed, Su Xingchuan said in a hushed voice, “Any kiss counts. It’s all bad.”
Li Xuan glared at him. “You obviously care about me.”
Su Xingchuan panicked, raising his voice. “Who said that?”
Li Xuan couldn’t explain it, so he mumbled, “Anyway, you care about me a lot. I won’t argue with you.”
He tossed the bandage into a nearby trash bin and walked off, leaving Su Xingchuan by the bike racks, dazed.
His heart pounded wildly.
It took him half an hour to calm down, and with the summer breeze blowing, he returned to his dorm in a daze.
Before sleeping, he received another message from Li Xuan.
Cathead: [Photo]
Cathead: [My mom bought Bobo some wings.]
Li Xuan’s British Shorthair looked nothing like him—chubby and silly with a face as round as a plate. Su Xingchuan thought: Li Xuan isn’t a British Shorthair; he’s a Ragdoll, like a little princess.
But he’d never raised a Ragdoll, so he didn’t know if they were gentle. One thing he did know—Cathead had a bad temper.
He replied: [Oh, cute.]
Cathead: [He’s super well-behaved and loves people. When you meet him, you’ll know. Goodnight.]
Su Xingchuan thought he’d have trouble sleeping.
But thankfully, after closing his eyes for a short while, he drifted off.
He had a dream.
In the haze, he entered an unfamiliar space.
The background was the living room of Li Xuan’s home: a white sofa, a fireplace, and a red-brown checkered blanket. Su Xingchuan looked around and saw Li Xuan curled up on the sofa, his head resting as he napped.
In his arms was a plump British Shorthair, sleeping soundly. As Su Xingchuan approached, the cat sensed him and darted away. Li Xuan woke up groggily, extending his hand when he saw Su Xingchuan. The way he stretched was just like a kitten. Su Xingchuan grabbed his hand, and Li Xuan clung on immediately.
His palm was warm, and his fingers soft.
Li Xuan snuggled into Su Xingchuan’s embrace, his arm draped over Su Xingchuan’s shoulder as he mumbled, “Su Xingchuan, I’m so sleepy.”
Su Xingchuan sat down, and Li Xuan quickly found a comfortable spot in his arms, lying down.
Li Xuan’s body was soft and warm, his waist so slim that even through his pajamas, Su could see the slight curve, tempting him to put his hand there. His cheek drew Su Xingchuan’s attention, making him want to pinch it.
He probably wouldn’t get angry; he’d just pout.
Li Xuan was the king of pouting, a pro at being clingy.
In Su Xingchuan’s arms, Li Xuan dozed off briefly before waking up, leaning his head back to look at Su Xingchuan. “I’m hungry. I want tomato beef stew over rice.”
Su Xingchuan pinched his cheek.
He finally understood what Li Xuan meant by, “I have great skin.”
It was true.
Li Xuan pouted. “Kiss me first.”
Su Xingchuan leaned down to kiss him. Li Xuan responded eagerly, his arms tightening around Su Xingchuan’s neck. While receiving Su Xingchuan’s kiss, he let out soft whimpers—so delicate.
Su Xingchuan pressed him into the sofa. Li Xuan didn’t resist, but when Su Xingchuan lifted the hem of his pajama top, inching his hand underneath, Li Xuan suddenly asked, “Su Xingchuan, are you still straight?”
—Su Xingchuan, are you still straight?
Su Xingchuan felt his body tremble.
He opened his eyes to see the dorm room ceiling.
The lingering warmth of the dream still clung to him, his chest heaving with uneven breaths.
He was going crazy.
He actually… dreamed of ‘that’.
And the person in the dream was him and Li Xuan.
The next morning, he messaged his best friend: [I have a question.]
Best friend: [Go ahead.]
Su Xingchuan: [So, you know, I’m straight. There’s no doubt about it. But it’s possible for a straight guy to dream about another guy, right?]
Best friend: [?]
Su Xingchuan: [In today’s society, we should respect and accept all kinds of groups, and some guys really do bring out protective instincts. So, having close moments or even a kiss here and there isn’t that weird, right?]
Best friend: [Dude, when did you turn gay?]
Su Xingchuan: […I’m straight.]
Best friend: [The kind that’s only straight when he sees guys?]
.
.
.
Su Xingchuan never imagined it.
That he, the pursued one, would be so anxious.
He had been waiting at the entrance of Dining Hall One for twenty minutes without seeing Li Xuan. Yu Qinglan passed by and asked why he was standing there, and Su Xingchuan wanted to ask himself the same thing: What am I doing?
Waiting for Li Xuan to eat?
Irritation, regret, and a tinge of hidden hope all mingled together, making him restless these past few days. Last night, Li Xuan had asked him to meet for lunch at Dining Hall One. As the one being pursued, not only did he come, but he also waited at the entrance for twenty minutes—yet Li Xuan didn’t show.
He pulled out his phone, considering messaging Li Xuan.
After some deliberation, he didn’t send anything.
He turned and went inside with Yu Qinglan. He asked, “Where’s the cutie?”
Su Xingchuan frowned. “What cutie?”
“That boy—he’s so good-looking. I heard he’s from the medical school. I can’t even imagine him standing at an operating table; it feels like a cute kid trying to look cool.” Yu Qinglan squinted, mimicking holding chopsticks as he pretended to perform surgery. He continued, “At first, I thought you suddenly turning gay was ridiculous, but when I saw your target was the cutie, I thought, well, I guess I can understand!”
Su Xingchuan: “…I’m not gay.”
Yu Qinglan laughed like he had heard the biggest joke. He teased in a mocking tone, “So, what’s your flavor then? And don’t give me that straight-man act. Why? You’re not my boyfriend, are you hungry? Are you? Are you?”
Su Xingchuan snapped, “Enough already, can’t you shut up while eating?”
Yu Qinglan raised an eyebrow. “See, look at how you talk to me versus how you talk to him.”
Su Xingchuan thought: Even like this, Li Xuan thinks I’m too harsh.
As they spoke, Su Xingchuan looked up and saw Li Xuan with a backpack, glancing around from not far away.
Su Xingchuan felt a pang of guilt.
The next second, Li Xuan spotted him too, along with Yu Qinglan sitting across from him. He hesitated for a moment before his face turned cold, and he spun around to get his meal alone.
Su Xingchuan watched him take his tray and head to a quiet corner.
He sat down, eating silently by himself.
Two minutes later.
Su Xingchuan sat across from him.
Li Xuan lifted his eyes, glanced at him, and huffed.
“You’re just pretending to be pitiful.”
Li Xuan glared at him. “I was twenty minutes late because of my experiment, and you’re already eating with another guy.”
Su Xingchuan shrugged nonchalantly. “I never agreed to eat with you.”
Li Xuan turned away.
Su Xingchuan couldn’t help but ask, “Why is your temper so big?”
“If you were my boyfriend, I’d be really well-behaved.”
“…”
Li Xuan continued his sales pitch: “I wouldn’t lose my temper with you. I’d even take care of you.”
He pushed the small bowl of pickled fish he’d bought toward Su Xingchuan. “I got this for you.”
Not suspicious.
Li Xuan was definitely acting pitiful to draw him over.
Otherwise, why did he buy an extra portion of pickled fish?
Li Xuan knew how to play him.
Su Xingchuan couldn’t help but ask, “Have you… how many have you dated?”
Li Xuan didn’t get it. “What?”
“I mean, you’re pretty good at this,” Su Xingchuan stammered, unable to speak clearly but still curious. “How many boyfriends have you had?”
“None. You’re the first.”
Su Xingchuan didn’t believe him.
“I swear, you’re really my first!” Li Xuan insisted. Unsure how to prove it, he added, “If I’m lying, I’m a puppy!”
He nudged Su Xingchuan’s shoe with his.
“I’ve never dated anyone, really.”
It was impossible to prove, but Li Xuan never lied.
For some reason, Su Xingchuan felt a tingly pleasure spread throughout his body—an indescribable sense of satisfaction. He smiled slightly.
Li Xuan placed a piece of fish in Su Xingchuan’s bowl, and this time, Su Xingchuan didn’t refuse, eating it quietly.
Li Xuan beamed, his legs swinging under the table, occasionally bumping into Su Xingchuan’s. He continued swinging them back and forth.
Su Xingchuan didn’t mind. “Finish your food.”
After eating, they left the cafeteria.
Li Xuan dragged him toward the small woods. Su Xingchuan knew what was coming but still let Li Xuan lead. Li Xuan pulled on his arm, resting both hands on his forearm as he complained, “My hand’s so sore. I’ve been doing experiments all morning.”
Su Xingchuan asked him what experiments he’d been doing.
Li Xuan answered truthfully.
He rattled off several complex technical terms. Su Xingchuan suddenly remembered Yu Qinglan’s comment.
—I can’t imagine him on the operating table.
Su Xingchuan couldn’t imagine Li Xuan growing up either.
What would he be like in five or ten years?
Would he become a boring adult?
He wondered if Li Xuan would remain carefree if he continued to be loved and cared for in a warm environment.
Li Xuan’s hand slid down, his fingers brushing against Su Xingchuan’s wrist. Instinctively, Su Xingchuan opened his hand and held it.
Li Xuan’s fingers curled slightly. Su Xingchuan’s hand was slightly bigger, fitting perfectly.
Li Xuan paused for a moment.
Time seemed to stop, and Su Xingchuan could hear Li Xuan’s breathing.
Li Xuan looked into Su Xingchuan’s eyes, blinking. He wanted to lean in for a kiss but didn’t dare. Su Xingchuan’s expression remained unchanged; he neither refused nor allowed it. Their breaths intertwined, the temperature rising.
In the end, Li Xuan rested his head on Su Xingchuan’s shoulder, his cheek pressing against him as he mumbled, “Why can’t I kiss you?”
Su Xingchuan said in a low voice, “Li Xuan, I’m different from you. I can’t easily choose another path. I’m afraid I’ll regret it.”
This time, Li Xuan understood. He responded with a soft “Mmm.”
Su Xingchuan didn’t say “yes” or “no.”
He simply admitted he was afraid.
At twenty, he was afraid of taking responsibility for Li Xuan.
Li Xuan didn’t mock his fear; instead, he leaned on Su Xingchuan’s shoulder, saying, “My uncle said that if you agreed to date me immediately, you wouldn’t be a good person. So, I think you’re great.”
In the woods, the sound of birds echoed, stirring their hearts.
Li Xuan said, “I’m not in a hurry.”
*
Jiangcheng’s June was coming to an end.
There were about ten days left until summer break, and exam week loomed—the most dreaded time of the semester. Both Li Xuan and Su were busy.
They only occasionally ate together or studied in the library.
They couldn’t be together every day because Su Xingchuan found that Li Xuan was too much of a distraction. Even just sitting next to him, watching him swing his legs, Su Xingchuan couldn’t stop looking.
It was always Li Xuan who reminded him, “Are you done reviewing?”
Su Xingchuan snapped back to reality, frowning. “I’ve already finished. This is my best subject.”
Li Xuan snorted softly.
Su Xingchuan imitated him, snorting back.
In the library, Li Xuan didn’t dare speak loudly. He could only use his phone to message Su Xingchuan.
Cathead: [You’re staring at me.]
Su: [Narcissist.]
Cathead: [You are staring at me. My side profile is handsome.]
Su Xingchuan laughed.
Li Xuan cherished the quota of ten messages a day and had no intention of exposing Su Xingchuan. He put down his phone and continued reading.
This time, Su Xingchuan looked at him openly.
The side profile is good-looking.
Li Xuan probably hasn’t fully grown up yet. He looks cute from the side profile. If he lost the baby fat and his facial features became clearer and more three-dimensional, he would look better.
*
After taking the last exam, Su Xingchuan waited for Li Xuan downstairs in the experimental building, but he didn’t come out for a long time.
He looked at the time; it should have ended earlier.
Thinking for a moment, he went inside to find Li Xuan.
He spotted Li Xuan on the second-floor corner, being called by someone.
Li Xuan, with his backpack on, stood at the corner of the stairs and turned to look at the guy behind him—a guy slightly taller than him.
The guy asked, “Are you going home for the holiday?”
Li Xuan found the question strange. “Of course.”
“Can I… can I have your contact information? I… I have some questions about the experiment I’d like to ask you.”
The intention was clear.
Su Xingchuan’s gaze immediately turned cold.
He shifted slightly, staying in Li Xuan’s blind spot, waiting for his response.
“But I already have a boyfriend,” Li Xuan said.
He said it plainly, earnestly.
Like a declaration.
Su Xingchuan’s heartbeat quickened by two beats.
The boy understood and didn’t pursue further.
Li Xuan came down and saw Su Xingchuan at the corner on the first floor. His eyes widened in surprise, and he rushed down quickly.
In that moment, the two of them forgot about their boundaries.
He ran into Su Xingchuan’s arms, and Su Xingchuan hugged him.
The boy peeked out, witnessing the scene. Su Xingchuan met his gaze, and the boy’s face darkened before he begrudgingly turned and walked back upstairs.
Li Xuan, being perceptive, asked directly, “Did you hear that?”
Su Xingchuan didn’t respond.
“Are you happy?” Li Xuan asked with a smile.
Su Xingchuan felt something inside him was about to burst—something accompanied by jealousy, a feeling that surged and threatened to escape. He wanted to suppress it, to push down this inappropriate, off-track emotion that he knew he might regret someday.
But Li Xuan’s eyes and lips were right in front of him.
Was he really ready to take this step?
Su Xingchuan wasn’t a reckless child, unlike Li Xuan. He had always been the model “perfect child” growing up. From primary school, he served as class president, navigating his way through middle school, high school, and finally arriving at A University. During school breaks, he would return home, watch TV with his parents, and help with household chores. Relatives and neighbors all adored him…
He had never imagined he would face a situation like this: Do I want to become gay for this boy in front of me?
A homosexual relationship—an unknown territory.
Was he willing?
He still couldn’t make the decision.
He let go of Li Xuan, walking away in confusion. Li Xuan followed closely, quickening his pace to grab Su Xingchuan’s hand. “I won’t ask anymore, okay? Just stop, Su Xingchuan, please wait for me!”
He used to think Li Xuan didn’t know how to pursue someone.
Now, he realized how persistent Li Xuan was. He had refused for a month, and Li Xuan had chased him for a month, never missing a single day.
From the initial annoyance, his feelings gradually turned into concern.
Many times, he didn’t want to pull his hand away. In fact, he had dreamt of Li Xuan several times, and the intensity of those dreams only grew.
He knew that if this continued any longer…
He was bound to fall.
He had always been a decisive person, disliking wasting time, but when it came to this, he wavered and hesitated.
He packed his things, avoiding his own feelings.
Li Xuan messaged him.
Cat Cat: [My birthday is in a few days. You’re going home, so we won’t be able to spend it together.]
Cat Cat: [I bought a cake. Can we celebrate my birthday early at a restaurant near school? Is that okay?]
Li Xuan had already compromised so much.
Su Xingchuan felt a heaviness in his chest, growing more intense and painful.
He replied: [I bought my ticket home this afternoon. It’s at 2 PM, so I probably can’t make it.]
Li Xuan didn’t reply.
He had bought the ticket a month ago, back when he hadn’t met Li Xuan. It was difficult to get a ticket from Jiangcheng to Ling’an, and Su Xingchuan couldn’t cancel it. His mom was waiting for him to come home.
He told himself: Forget it.
Pretend Li Xuan never appeared. I can’t become gay. I can’t fall in love with another guy.
His lack of understanding of the LGBTQ+ community and exposure to negative stereotypes instilled a fear of the unknown.
He had always been stable and grounded, incapable of doing anything out of line.
At 2 PM, he arrived at the station by 12.
Sitting in the waiting area, he kept checking the time.
Time seemed to move faster in his anxious state. He wanted to send Li Xuan another message, to comfort him because he knew he must be feeling hurt. But there were only 20 minutes left until departure.
In the end, he couldn’t resist and messaged Li Xuan: [I’m about to board.]
Soon, Li Xuan’s status showed “typing.”
Cat Cat: [Okay.]
Su Xingchuan: [Happy early birthday. I’ll bring your gift when the semester starts.]
Su Xingchuan: [I’m sorry, Li Xuan. It’s not your fault; it’s me. We can stay friends.]
Li Xuan didn’t reply for a long time.
Su Xingchuan thought: He’s probably upset with me again.
He’ll likely ignore me for a while.
A few minutes later, his phone vibrated. Li Xuan’s reply finally came through, and Su Xingchuan quickly opened it.
Cat Cat: [Then let’s be friends.]
Su Xingchuan’s pupils contracted.
His face instantly turned pale.
He thought he had read it wrong, but the words were clear on the screen. Li Xuan had sent them.
Forcing himself to stay calm, Su Xingchuan replied: [What do you mean?]
Cat Cat: [If you really can’t accept liking guys, I won’t force you. We can be friends.]
For the first time, Li Xuan was understanding, but Su Xingchuan couldn’t stay calm.
He had gotten what he wanted.
But he didn’t feel any happiness.
In that moment, he realized that when he sent that message, deep down, he was hoping Li Xuan would say, No.
He had hoped Li Xuan would say, I refuse to be just friends with you.
He had hoped Li Xuan would say, I refuse to give up on you.
He had hoped for a fight, for a stubborn insistence.
But Li Xuan had given up.
He let go.
For all the endings he had imagined for his story with Li Xuan, he had never considered it would stop so abruptly. He had heard his roommates complain about stories that ended too abruptly, leaving them unsatisfied. In the past, he couldn’t relate. Now, he felt it deeply.
Was this really how it was going to end?
The station announcement echoed: “G7096 is now boarding.”
He glanced at the time. Five minutes left.
He looked at the train ticket in his hand.
From Jiangcheng to Ling’an, over 400 kilometers.
The announcement repeated: “G7096 is about to finish boarding.”
Su Xingchuan stood up and threw the ticket away.
He pulled his suitcase, heading toward the exit.
He thought: At least I’ll celebrate Li Xuan’s 20th birthday with him.
